By nature, I am an indecisive person. Ask me where I want to eat and I'll say "wherever you want to" ask me what movie I want to watch and I'll say "you pick" ask me what I want to do and I'll probably say "I don't know what do you want to do?". Right now, I don't know what I want to do. I love college and it pained me so much to leave and I can't wait to go back but there is this one part of me that just can't let go of home. I keep counting down the days until I move in but I don't actually process what that means.
This summer hasn't been an easy one with my dad's rocky health status which led to being needed more at home than I usually am. In this situation, it is usually just the little things I'm needed for but it has changed the way I see going back to college. It scares me that I won't be home to support my mom or dad when they need it. Being home means that when I'm needed I'll be there no questions asked and having been home helping out all summer to then just disappear in the blink of an eye feels unfair. But then again it is up to me to ensure my future.
It's up to me to make the decision to go back to school and pursue a degree in a field where I can help support other people and help other people support themselves. It's up to me to make sure they don't have to worry about me while I'm away and I can make them proud.
Going back to school is a whole 'nother story when it comes to the leadership position I will be fulfilling. Moving in a week early before most of your friends arrive and living alone in order to get to know some people you have met a handful of times is rather intimidating. But it's also exciting. It's exciting to think about the new people you'll be able to meet. The first impressions you'll be able to make and the memories that will be formed before the school year even begins. The thrill of staying up late and never really knowing what tomorrow will bring.
It is exciting to feel the happiness that is brought to your attention when you realize you haven't seen your closest friends in over three months and will be reunited with them sooner rather than later. When you reconnect with your favorite people and it feels like a day hasn't even gone by. When you are able to let loose some laughs that you have suppressed for three months. When you are finally able to walk to the beat of your own drum and get to make your own agenda. When you finally settle in and realize that even though it isn't the place you grew up in it is the closest thing to home that you have at the moment.