Over the last several years, I’ve noticed tons of articles talking about how to deal with introverts (how to deal with Christian introverts, characteristics of an introvert, etc). For the longest time, I was sure that I was an introvert. I had very few friends, I rarely left the house unless I had to, and I hated being around people for too long. Even when I did extracurricular activities, they were ones in which I didn’t always have to depend on other people – karate, playing clarinet – my performance depended on how well I did, not anyone else. Heck, when I was in preschool, I sat on the bench and cried while the rest of the kids ran around and played. I hated being around people. I was about as introverted as they came.

Then college happened.

When I first came, I still held on to my introverted qualities. I wasn’t really interested in getting to know anyone beyond my roommate. I spent all of my available time with her when we could. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out well for either of us. She moved into a different dorm at the end of our first semester of freshman year because we got so sick of each other. We’re still friends, but our friendship is very different than it once was.

After we “broke up,” so to speak, I discovered that I needed to start getting closer to other people. Not having a roommate for my second semester was one of the best and worst things that could’ve happened to me. It forced me to go out into my hall and make friends, and something happened to me as a result. I learned something about myself – I LOVE to talk. Some might say I talk a bit too much. I’m becoming far more extroverted. I absolutely adore being around people. In fact, I crave it. I go nuts when I have to sit in my room and study alone, or do anything alone for that matter. Even when it comes to worship, I feel like it isn’t genuine unless I’m surrounded by others. So nowadays, one who meets me may describe me as an extrovert.

The thing is, that doesn’t mean I’ve simply done away with those introverted qualities that were a part of me not too long ago. I still can’t handle being around people for very long. I still express myself better through the written word than I do verbally. I struggle to talk to people when I’m feeling down. So what’s with the contradiction?

I did fail to mention something important. I have Major Depressive Disorder.

I know some people don’t believe it’s a real thing. But if that’s true, then explain this to me – how is it that I can go from having the time of my life with some of my best friends in the world to wanting nothing more than to sit in my room and weep in an instant? How can I so badly want to be with my friends yet want to stay as far away as possible to avoid bothering them with the words I say? How can I have an incredible God who loves me and still struggle daily with suicidal thoughts?

Don’t ever try to convince me that depression isn’t real, because for so many people, it’s as real as those allergies that attack when the pollen levels rise. It’s as real as those cancer cells that attack your body for which you need chemotherapy to fight. It’s a legitimate illness.

So, how does that play into the whole extroverted vs. introverted issue? I’ve been struggling to figure out which one better describes me, because so many people I know define themselves as one or the other. I know that I have qualities that could easily put me into both categories. I definitely realize that the depression has played a big factor in the introverted side of me, but I’m determined to not let the depression define me. In fact, I don’t even want to let the terms “extrovert” or “introvert” define me. Why?

My identity is in Christ. That’s it.

It doesn’t matter how much I love to talk, or how much I love or hate being around people. What matters is that regardless of the mood I’m in, regardless of what I want to do in the moment to make myself feel comfortable, I need to do what Christ is calling me to do. Sometimes that means pulling the extrovert out of me when I just want to sit alone in my room and cry. Other times that means simply reflecting during worship instead of singing my heart and raising my hands. Psalm 46:10 – “Be still and know that I am God.” But then he also says in Psalm 98:4 – “Shout for joy to the Lord, all the earth, burst into jubilant song with music.”

It doesn’t matter whether you’re an introvert or an extrovert, or in the middle like I am. What matters is that you celebrate who you are, while recognizing that God may call you out of your comfort zone at times to bring more glory to Himself.