When it comes to forgiveness, most everyone will probably agree that they find it easier to forgive someone else than it is to forgive themselves. But no matter the situation, everyone can agree that forgiveness is hard. It once took me three years to completely forgive one of my friends for the things he did and said while we were in high school. Why so long? I believe that when you truly forgive someone, you don’t hold any bitterness or any kind of grudge over that person. It took me three years to forgive him because I still had a lot of bitterness that eventually faded with time and when it did, I knew I was willing to be friends with him again. And our friendship is working. But there are some friendships that just shouldn’t be reunited. And that is the mistake that often follows forgiveness: rekindling a friendship, or, feeling the need that since you’ve forgive that person, you feel that you have to be friends with them because that’s what’s expected of you. This is a lie.
Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you have to be friends with them. There are just certain relationships or friendships that are meant to stay dead, even after forgiveness. It’s good to not feel the bitterness toward that person, but turning around and saying, “Let’s be friends,” isn’t always the wise or right choice.
I made that mistake my sophomore year of college when, after forgiving my ex-boyfriend, tried being friends with him because I figured that’s what was expected of me. It did not turn out well in any kind of way and I ended up regretting ever letting him back into my life. The point is, forgiving him was fine—actually, forgiving him was the right thing to do. But it should have ended at forgiveness.
You should know that it is okay to forgive and to forget in some cases. In the Bible, we are instructed to forgive those who have wronged us—this includes ourselves. While I was doing devotions one night, I happened upon the page entitled, “Forgiveness and Spiritual Growth.” One of the lines included for that day’s devotions said, “Usually, the decision to forgive is straightforward, but the process of forgiving is more difficult. Forgiveness is a journey that requires effort, time, perseverance, and prayer.” I can attest to the time aspect of forgiveness (like I said, it took me three years to forgive my one friend). But all the other aspects are true.
If there is still leftover bitterness and hateful or hurtful feelings that you’re harboring in your heart, then you haven’t truly forgiven that person, if you’re being honest with yourself. It’s easy to say, “I forgive you,” but it’s another thing to mean it. We should be striving to mean what we say—especially when it comes to forgiveness. Just be careful that when you do forgive that person, you analyze the situation and decide, is this person supposed to stay in my life? Is this a beneficial relationship to continue? Does it bring glory to God? Am I even ready to be friends again with this person? You can forgive, you can forget, and you can be friends with that person (or people), but you have to make sure you’re aware of the timing and what God is trying to tell you. Some friendships and relationships are meant to be restored after forgiveness, but some are supposed to be forgotten. Know the difference. Seek council from God. Because you don’t want to end up back at square one.
