We have hundreds of relationships in our lifetimes. It’s inevitable that some of them will not last through the years. Some of those endings will be out of your control, like death. Some will be your decision. Others will be the decision of someone else. So many relationships are meant to end, and it won’t always be on the best terms. It’s inevitable.
It’s inevitable that you will hurt, and for that I’m sorry.
However, I’m here to tell you something I wish I had been told.
Anyone who’s read through my articles knows that I went through a really verbally abusive relationship with a friend, and got my heart broken by him. I wasn’t the same for a long time, and I’m still not; I never will be the same again. I’ve lived and learned in the wake of that mistreatment in order to become a better, stronger person.
But especially toward the start, I struggled. Even though this boy had hurt me so badly, I craved his presence because I was so used to it being a fixture in my life. I had to put my phone down and walk away from it to keep from calling him because I missed that familiar voice and all of our conversations; I missed the inside jokes and the way he knew how to make me laugh. I spent the last few weeks of my high school career ducking corners and taking different routes to classes in hallways I knew like the back of my hand. Yet I still missed what I had despite how damaging it was, and I wanted it back.
This tore me apart, and no one understood why. I mean, how could I blame them? I got treated terribly. Every weakness I had was pegged against me. I was slowly being chipped away at, and in time I crumbled. Yet I missed the one who treated me in ways a person should never treat someone.
In retrospect, I’m able to realize why I missed that boy: I didn’t miss the abusive boy, but the person he used to be. I missed laughing until our sides hurt over terrible jokes. I missed singing to the Foo Fighters in the convertible with the top down, on the way home from school. I missed having a hand to hold or arms to run into when I was upset or afraid. I missed those warm, welcoming eyes, and the smile that never failed to make me smile. I missed having a best friend like a sibling.
I got through because I knew these feelings would change. It took months upon months, and a lot of help from the people around me, but I got there. I am so much better and happier now than I used to be, and that boy is just a memory in the back of my mind now. He comes up from time to time in conversation. Memories still flood over me sometimes. But I know now that I do not want that boy back in my life. I don’t forgive him, but I don’t hate him either.
I forgive myself for letting him do to me what he did.
To those out there who are hurting from what someone did to them, I’m sorry you’re in pain. Keep your will about you. Be strong. Count the days you can go without contacting them and hold onto that number like a prize. Stay strong, and hold your head high. In time, your heart will numb to that old ache, and the memories will run to hide in the dark corners and crevices of your mind.
In time, you won’t miss them anymore. You’ll heal, and you’ll thank yourself for having the strength to let them go. It’ll be hard, but it will be worth it when you can smile at yourself in the mirror and know, truly know, that you are better off without them.
