The moment you find out you are pregnant, emotions of all sorts are racing through your body; whether that be excitement, fear, shock, or "how the hell did this happen?". You have it set in your mind that, in nine months, that you will have a little one in your arms.
When I found out I was pregnant, I was overwhelmed with various emotions. Thoughts began racing through my head:"Is this real?""How am I going to afford this?""I can't believe it, but I'm going to be a mom. My dream come true."
The first thing I did was call one of my best friends at the time. "Natalie, I'm literally shaking – you will never believe this but I just took a pregnancy test and its positive." I was so excited I asked Natalie to help me surprise my husband with the news.
We tricked him into taking a quick photo shoot. At one point, Nat asked us to write a message to each other on a piece of paper. Then she would take a picture of us reading our messages. On my paper, I wrote "You are going to be a daddy!" When my husband saw this message, he was so happy and squeezed me tight. We were finally going to start that family both of us wanted.
The following week, I began feeling nauseous and my breasts started hurting. Oh the joys of pregnancy. But – I was still excited because I was pregnant! I began thinking of all the ways to tell the people I love.
Then came week six. I was in my classroom at the time and I started getting cramps. My eyes started to water. I quickly grabbed my assistant and said "I need you to cover for me." I ran to the bathroom and realized I was bleeding.
My world began to shatter. I called the OBGYN office and they were absolutely no help. I left work and ran to the store to get a pregnancy test. I waited for some time and then took the test – "Not pregnant."
I felt like a failure. My one job was to carry this baby to term and I had failed. My husband consoled me for the first week, and then began breaking down himself. It hit us so hard, neither one of us really wanted to try again.
I went through a deep depression. Acting out, not really caring about my job, drinking, getting high on anxiety medicine, and isolating myself from the world. It took months to realize a miscarriage is a common occurrence. 1 out of every 4 people will experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. That is 25% of the population! That statistic was in an odd way comforting because I realized I was not alone. Once I began talking about my experience, many of my friends and family disclosed that they too had a miscarriage.
After months of healing, I began to question "why". Why are people so quiet about miscarriage?
Then I thought about the pain – re-living the pain is brutal. It doesn't matter how many weeks you are, you still have it in your head that you are having a baby. Most people also don't know what to say. The last thing I wanted to hear was "You can try again", but how do you explain that to someone when you are hurting?
Fast forward two years and I am here… still wanting a baby but knowing that it is in the power of God. His timing will be perfect. Right now, I am meant to grow.
Part of that growth is educating and consoling others. If you suffered a miscarriage, the most important thing I want you to know if that you are not alone. I am as real as it gets. I don't hide my life experiences because I believe it can help someone else.
It is okay to get help. It is okay to say I am not okay, and I need someone to listen. It is not okay to stay in the pain and wallow in it (which is essentially what I did for a good six months). Somewhere along the road, society has spread the message that miscarriage is something to be ashamed of. Society teaches us to publicly celebrate our pregnancies, but when a tragedy occurs to hide it by crying alone in the bathroom and dealing privately with the massive hole that is now left in your heart. The problem with this? You begin to feel like something is wrong with you.
That is why I choose to talk about it. Miscarriage needs to be talked about, because we are not alone! I want you to know there is nothing wrong with you. You did not fail. God has a plan for you; it just might not be the plan you had envisioned.
I thought having a baby would save my marriage. I thought it was the perfect thing to bring my husband and me together. God was trying to tell me that is not the answer.
That was hard to swallow.
Does my miscarriage still haunt me? Of course it does, but I also know the only thing I can do is move forward. Blaming myself will not change the circumstance. It only makes it harder to accept.
This is why it is time to talk about it. Miscarriage should not be a taboo topic. Women need to come together and support each other. We are meant to do life together. Let's build each other up and make each other stronger.
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