It seems like every other day there is a new headline proclaiming that those darn millennials are at it again, with the avocados and the multiple low-paying jobs and the sense of dread at inheriting a world already spiraling towards disaster. But mostly the avocados.
We have to laugh, of course. When I’m hanging out with my coalition of attractive 18-to-24-year-old friends, we frequently ridicule the mainstream news and their misrepresentation of our generation. They seem to think we really like avocados.
My fellow millennials know: we do not merely like avocados. We are total in our devotion to avocados. Previous generations of humans were 70 percent water; millennials are 70 percent avocado. For the education of any old lame people trying to understand this generation, here are four more absolutely true facts about millennials and avocados.
1. We can say “avocado” in 15 languages
Millennials love travel. But one important safety precaution that we all take before gallivanting across Europe is to learn how to request an avocado in all the local languages, lest we are caught avocado-less one morning. Nothing compares to the horror of waking up expecting some delicious avocado toast, but because you cannot make your request understood to the waiter, instead you have to choke down two dry pieces of—ugh!—regular toast.
To avoid that fate, millennials learn to request the greatest food in a multitude of languages. Frequent choices include Spanish (“el avocado”), Chinese (“汉堡包”), and Canadian ("ehvocado").
2. We studied avocados in college
An important component of any liberal arts degree (all millennials have liberal arts degrees) is, of course, Avocadology. And with many colleges now including interdisciplinary options, these days avocados are often studied alongside other, less important disciplines, like history and biology.
I don’t know how I could possibly have picked between my two favorite classes in college, Math 318: Avocado Surface Topology II and Theology 392: How Holy Is Guacamole?
3. We are frustrated by unequal distribution of avocados
Millennials, more so than previous generations, are acutely aware of the injustice that permeates our society. And the most egregious injustice of all is that 99 percent of the avocados are controlled by just 1 percent of the population. It’s as though the system is stacked in favor of that 1 percent.
Employers don’t seem to appreciate the many crucial avocado-related skills on my resume. It just feels as though it’s impossible to get ahead these days, with student debt and rising costs of living severely cutting into the avocado budget. Which leads to the next point:
4. We can’t buy houses because we have too many avocados
At the time of writing this, I still live with my parents. They are getting increasingly frustrated by the size and smell of my avocado collection, but what other choice do I have? Buying a house would cause a momentary reduction in my avocado intake, which is not a choice at all.
It’s also financially infeasible given my income and credit history but mostly it’s about keeping the avocados coming. I also don’t have health insurance, because health insurance premiums would cut into the avocado budget. Not that that actually matters, because avocados are so healthy that eating them constantly makes you immune to disease.
Now that you are educated about the complex symbiotic relationship of millennial to avocado, you may find yourself slightly incredulous. Allow me to reassure you that everything in this article is completely true, guaranteed. Be sure to incorporate these facts into your marketing strategies for the 18-to-24 year old demographic and you will see quarterly profits increase by at least two-thirds.