4 Absolutely True Facts About Millennials And Avocados

4 Absolutely True Facts About Millennials And Avocados

"The measure of a man is what he does with avocados." -Plato
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It seems like every other day there is a new headline proclaiming that those darn millennials are at it again, with the avocados and the multiple low-paying jobs and the sense of dread at inheriting a world already spiraling towards disaster. But mostly the avocados.

We have to laugh, of course. When I’m hanging out with my coalition of attractive 18-to-24-year-old friends, we frequently ridicule the mainstream news and their misrepresentation of our generation. They seem to think we really like avocados.

My fellow millennials know: we do not merely like avocados. We are total in our devotion to avocados. Previous generations of humans were 70 percent water; millennials are 70 percent avocado. For the education of any old lame people trying to understand this generation, here are four more absolutely true facts about millennials and avocados.

1. We can say “avocado” in 15 languages

Millennials love travel. But one important safety precaution that we all take before gallivanting across Europe is to learn how to request an avocado in all the local languages, lest we are caught avocado-less one morning. Nothing compares to the horror of waking up expecting some delicious avocado toast, but because you cannot make your request understood to the waiter, instead you have to choke down two dry pieces of—ugh!regular toast.

To avoid that fate, millennials learn to request the greatest food in a multitude of languages. Frequent choices include Spanish (“el avocado”), Chinese (“汉堡包”), and Canadian ("ehvocado").

2. We studied avocados in college

An important component of any liberal arts degree (all millennials have liberal arts degrees) is, of course, Avocadology. And with many colleges now including interdisciplinary options, these days avocados are often studied alongside other, less important disciplines, like history and biology.

I don’t know how I could possibly have picked between my two favorite classes in college, Math 318: Avocado Surface Topology II and Theology 392: How Holy Is Guacamole?

3. We are frustrated by unequal distribution of avocados

Millennials, more so than previous generations, are acutely aware of the injustice that permeates our society. And the most egregious injustice of all is that 99 percent of the avocados are controlled by just 1 percent of the population. It’s as though the system is stacked in favor of that 1 percent.

Employers don’t seem to appreciate the many crucial avocado-related skills on my resume. It just feels as though it’s impossible to get ahead these days, with student debt and rising costs of living severely cutting into the avocado budget. Which leads to the next point:

4. We can’t buy houses because we have too many avocados

At the time of writing this, I still live with my parents. They are getting increasingly frustrated by the size and smell of my avocado collection, but what other choice do I have? Buying a house would cause a momentary reduction in my avocado intake, which is not a choice at all.

It’s also financially infeasible given my income and credit history but mostly it’s about keeping the avocados coming. I also don’t have health insurance, because health insurance premiums would cut into the avocado budget. Not that that actually matters, because avocados are so healthy that eating them constantly makes you immune to disease.

Now that you are educated about the complex symbiotic relationship of millennial to avocado, you may find yourself slightly incredulous. Allow me to reassure you that everything in this article is completely true, guaranteed. Be sure to incorporate these facts into your marketing strategies for the 18-to-24 year old demographic and you will see quarterly profits increase by at least two-thirds.

Cover Image Credit: Unsplash

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50 Quotes from the Best Vines

If you're picturing the vines in your head, you're doing it right
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In 2017 we had to say goodbye to one of the best websites to ever roam the internet: Vine. In case you have been living under a rock since 2013, Vine was -(sad face)- a website and app that took the internet and the app store by storm in Winter 2013. It contained 6-second videos that were mostly comedy- but there were other genres including music, sports, cool tricks and different trends. Vine stars would get together and plan out a vine and film it till they got it right.

It was owned by Twitter and it was shut down because of so many reasons; the viners were leaving and making money from Youtube, there was simply no money in it and Twitter wanted us to suffer.

There's been a ton of threads on Twitter of everyone's favorite vines so I thought I'd jump in and share some of my favorites. So without further ado, here are some quotes of vines that most vine fanatics would know.

1. "AHH...Stahhp. I coulda dropped mah croissant"

2. "Nate how are those chicken strips?" "F%#K YA CHICKEN STRIPS.....F%#K ya chicken strips!"

3. "Road work ahead? Uh Yea, I sure hope it does"

4. "Happy Crimus...." "It's crismun..." "Merry crisis" "Merry chrysler"

5. "...Hi Welcome to Chili's"

6. "HoW dO yOu kNoW wHaT's gOoD fOr mE?" "THAT'S MY OPINIONNN!!!.."

7."Welcome to Bible Study. We're all children of Jesus... Kumbaya my looordd"

8. Hi my name's Trey, I have a basketball game tomorrow. Well I'm a point guard, I got shoe game..."

9. "It's a avocadooo...thanks"

10. "Yo how much money do you have?" "69 cents" "AYE you know what that means?" "I don't have enough money for chicken nuggets"

11. "Hurricane Katrina? More like Hurricane Tortilla."

12. "Hey Tara you want some?" "This b*%th empty. YEET!"

13. "Get to Del Taco. They got a new thing called Freesha-- Free-- Freeshavaca do"

14. "Mothertrucker dude that hurt like a buttcheek on a stick"

15. "Two brooss chillin in a hot tub 5 feet apart cuz they're not gay"

16. "Jared can you read number 23 for the class?" "No I cannot.... What up I'm Jared, I'm 19 and I never f#@%in learned how to read."

17. "Not to be racist or anything but Asian people SSUUGHHH"

18. 18. "I wanna be a cowboy baby... I wanna be a cowboy baby"

19. "Hey, I'm lesbian" "I thought you were American"

20. "I spilled lipstick in your Valentino bag" "you spilled- whaghwhha- lipstick in my Valentino White bag?"

21. "What's better than this? Guys bein dudes"

22. "How'd you get these bumps? ya got eggzma?" "I got what?" "You got eggzma?"

23. "WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE?" "THEY are my crocs!"

24. "Can I get a waffle? Can I please get a waffle?"

25. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAVEN!" "I can't sweem"

26. "Say Coloradoo" "I'M A GIRAFFE!!"

27. "How much did you pay for that taco?" Aight yo you know this boys got his free tacoo"

28. *Birds chirping* "Tweekle Tweekle"

29. "Girl, you're thicker than a bowl of oatmeal"

30. "I brought you Frankincense" "Thank you" "I brought you Myrrh" "Thank you" "Mur-dur" "huh...Judas..no"

31. "Sleep? I don't know about sleep...it's summertime" "You ain't go to bed?" "Oh she caught me"

32. "All I wanna tell you is school's not important... Be whatever you wanna be. If you wanna be a dog...RUFF. You know?"33. "Oh I like ya accent where you from?" "I'm Liberian" "Oh, my bad *whispering* I like your accent..."

34. "Next Please" "Hello" "Sir, this is a mug shot" "A mug shot? I don't even drink coffee"


35. "Hey did you happen to go to class last week?" "I have never missed a class"

36. "Go ahead and introduce yourselves" "My name is Michael with a B and I've been afraid of insects my entire-" "Stop, stop, stop. Where?" "Hmm?" "Where's the B?" "There's a bee?"

37. "There's only one thing worse than a rapist...Boom" "A child" "No"

38. "Later mom. What's up me and my boys are going to see Uncle Kracker...GIVE ME MY HAT BACK JORDAN! DO YOU WANNA SEE UNCLE KRACKER OR NO?


39. "Dad look, it's the good kush." This is the dollar store, how good can it be?"

40. "Zach stop...Zach stop...You're gonna get in trouble. Zach"

41. "CHRIS! Is that a weed? "No this is a crayon-" I'm calling the police" *puts 911 into microwave* "911 what's your emergency"

42. "WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? "

43. *Blowing vape on table* * cameraman blows it away* "ADAM"

44. "Would you like the spider in your hand?" "Yea" "Say please" "Please" *puts spider in hand* *screams*

45. "Oh hi, thanks for checking in I'm still a piece of garrbaagge"

46. *girl blows vape* "...WoW"

47. *running* "...Daddy?" "Do I look like-?"

48. *Pours water onto girl's face" "Hello?"

49. "Wait oh yes wait a minute Mr. Postman" "HaaaAHH"

50. "...And they were roommates" "Mah God they were roommates"


I could literally go on forever because I just reference vines on a daily basis. Rest in peace Vine

Cover Image Credit: Vine

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7 Random Thoughts And Deep Realizations I've Had As A Big Sister

Lessons that sisterhood has taught me.

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I've been a big sister for about 15 years now, and my little sister has indirectly caused me to think about myriad things. Here are just a few that others can surely relate to.

1. I basically got the beta version of Mom and Dad's parenting, while my little sister gets the release version.

2. I'm supposed to be my sibling's role model, but I'm a mess who has no idea what I'm doing. Surely there's someone more qualified out there.

3. I don't pick on my sister because I hate her, I pick on her because that's my God-given right.

4. It's not that my sibling is babied by my parents, it's just that they are treating me like an adult.

5. I'm told I was originally super excited to have a little sister, I wonder what changed. Like what could my sister have done as a baby or toddler that made me go, "no I'm pretty much done with you."

6. Where's my thank you for not making teachers hate my sister solely on the grounds that we're related?

7. Hypothetically, would I like you more if we were full sisters, or do I only dislike you half as much as I could since we're half sisters?

I wouldn't replace my sister with anyone else in the world, I can't wait to see what else she helps me to realize as we get older. She's slow to get the joke, stubborn and is a little tone-deaf, but she puts up with an overly sarcastic, equally tone-deaf me, and I love her.

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