Twenty-five year old Declan Murphy and his father, Greg, are up in arms upon discovering that Declan has not received a higher position at his job at JP Morgan Chase, even though he has already worked there for one month.
Millennials, the generation born between 1980 and the late 1990’s, have been long awaiting their entrance into the workforce. Following years of empty success, this generation holds a lot of promise for producing mediocre work and contentious behavior.
In classic millennial fashion, Declan was in an uproar and did not understand how this could ever happen to him. Considering he had been rewarded for just about every little thing he had ever done in his life, this was, as the millennials say, “totally lame.” It is a wonder how a Fortune 500 company could demean the self-esteem of such a youthful, arrogant spirit.
“It just does not make any sense,” said Murphy. “My dad got me this job and promised there was a ton of potential for me to move up. Why hasn’t that happened yet? You can’t break a promise like that.”
After Declan read the memo that he had not received a promotion, he marched straight to his father’s office in tears, demanding an answer for this blasphemous decision. Putting in one month’s worth of work is absolutely more than enough to be promoted, making it a mystery as to why Declan is still stuck in his entry-level position.
“My Declan is an aggressively average young man,” proudly stated Greg. “He graduated from the University of Michigan with a 3.0 GPA, just like his father. Declan was backup quarterback for his fraternity’s intramural flag football team, and was even honored with the nickname ‘Tryhardasaurus Rex’. What more could be asked of a man?”
Declan and his father both expressed that Declan had always been rewarded for performing crucial menial tasks, thus explaining the completely reasonable frustration felt by both of them. Such rewards include receiving one dollar every time he remembered to put the toilet seat down, as well as getting a gold star every time he completely finished his meal at dinner, a task that led to his election as President of the “Clean Plate Club.”
Receiving compensation for everything in a young person’s life is of utmost importance to their development into an adult. These children will handle adversity through constant complaining, develop a mediocre competitive edge, and become much less resilient to frustration. With these three characteristics defining the Millennial generation, there is no doubt that our country is headed in the right direction. It is about time there were people in the adult world who were accustomed to being overcompensated, as this will provide the most average work the country has seen in years.
Declan is not the only person we should look forward to running our country. Take Ethan Couch, for example. At the ripe age of sixteen, Ethan was drunk driving with a 0.24 BAC through the wealthy town of Fort Worth, Texas, where he grew up, when he crashed and killed four people. As per usual, his lawyers were there at the ready to make sure he did not learn his lesson. His lawyers claimed that Ethan suffered from affluenza, a term that describes psychological and behavioral issues that stem from a child’s privileged upbringing. As a result, Ethan got off with ten years’ probation—a perfect punishment to ensure that he realizes exactly what he did was very wrong. We all make mistakes, right?
In a surprising twist, there are even more examples of millennials utilizing their self-endowed power in order to be coddled just a little bit more. A more recent example comes from Oberlin College, where activist students are protesting for any grade below ‘C’ to be abolished and for professors to offer alternatives to taking written midterms. This comes after students felt their self-esteem was being beaten down and their mental health was declining. Fulfilling the requests of the activists seems like the right move in order to ensure that the professors are able to truly measure how much a student has learned, as well as to help each student hold back the water works. Earning a higher education is not about learning how to be an adult, but rather how to make sure you can still get what you want by irrationally complaining your way through it.
Well, we have a big storm coming, as millennials are entering the workforce faster than baby boomers and Generation X can blame them for all the problems of today. However, there is complete faith in the upcoming generation that our progress will remain stagnant, unless they come to the realization that you can’t be spoon-fed when you’re 25. It’s just weird.
