Author's Note: "I Took a Pill in Ibiza" isn't actually the worst hit of 2016—see my write-up on Halsey's "New Americana" here.
“If I could write you a song and make you fall in love, I would already have you up under my arm / I used up all my tricks, I hope that you like this, but you won’t probably won’t, you think you’re cooler than me.”
Millenials, are you singing along in your head, yet? You all know it—it’s “Cooler Than Me,” the infamous smash hit released nearly six years ago in 2010 by Mike Posner. He also had that follow-up single “Please Don’t Go,” which is admittedly catchy, and that horrific “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” hook-up jam that is only even remotely tolerable when you’re drunk as hell and purposely seeking out terror-induced nostalgia. “Bow Chicka Wow Wow” peaked in mid-2011, and that should have been it for Mr. Posner. He could have gone out on the high note of simultaneously appropriating hippie culture while dressing like a total douche and cleaning his armpits with Windex. However, now, in 2016, the legend himself is back. “I Took a Pill in Ibiza,” the lead single from his upcoming sophomore album “At Night, Alone” is currently sitting pretty at No. 10 on the Billboard Hot 100. In this week’s installment of Absolute Garbage, we’ll be breaking down this sonic atrocity and destroying it for all it’s worth (nothing). Let’s begin.
To me, “I Took a Pill in Ibiza” feels like afterbirth. It’s disgusting, useless and liquidy, but it’s there, and I have to deal with it. The reason I say it’s liquidy is because it has a distinct underwater, “tropical house” (dancehall for white people) feel—that is, the SeeB remix of "Ibiza," aka the only one charting right now. See, the original version of "Ibiza" is an excruciating acoustic ballad that is nearly a year old. No one cared about it (rightfully so) until SeeB came along. The only thing I know about SeeB is that he is yet another tropical house producer, and that’s all you need to know, because that’s probably all he’s worth (I’m not convinced tropical house producers are actually real people).
Anyways, SeeB remixed it, apparently people like listening to things that make them feel like they’re drowning and boom, here we are with Mike Posner sitting on another hit. The lyrics, though… I’ll just be honest, they make me want to commit suicide, but not even in like a quick, painless way. Strapping my feet to two horses and having them run in opposite directions causing the ligaments near my scrotum to tear while having my head dunked in boiling water sounds more pleasant than having to listen to Mr. Posner croon about how terrible his rich, privileged, pop star life is one more time.
When one listens to the song, it becomes blatantly clear that Posner wrote “I Took a Pill in Ibiza” as an insight into how bad his life has been since his initial stardom burned out in 2011. The problem is that the issues he’s faced are either 1) trivial or 2) caused by his own douchiness.
“I took a pill in Ibiza to show Avicii I was cool / and when I finally got sober, felt 10 years older / but f*ck it it was something to do”
Already I’m annoyed. I’m supposed to feel bad for you because you got high with arguably the most famous DJ in the world in a tropical paradise? I’m going to St. Martin in two months, and I can only hope to find a successful disc jockey to take ecstasy with; it’s literally my dream. Stop complaining.
“I’m living out in LA / I drive a sports car just to prove I’m a real big baller ‘cause I made a million dollars / and I spent it on girls and shoes”
Let’s run down the list of things he considers “problems.” 1) He lives in L.A.—perhaps he should try being homeless for a week and see how that turns out? 2) He drives a sports car. If justice exists, someone has a deadly car wreck in their near future. 3) He’s a “real big baller” (disgusting) because he made a million dollars and spent it on girls and shoes. This is your fault, Mike Posner. You're a moron. You made a ton of money and spent it on trivial things. Trivial doesn’t fully encapsulate it, though—goddamn shoes. He didn’t spend it on weed or alcohol (he actually doesn’t consume either of these, but apparently unidentifiable pills in Ibiza are A-OK) or even cookie dough—rather smelly, ugly sneakers that probably wore out faster than normal because of how much time Posner spent on the treadmill trying to work off that depression weight he put on over the last five years. (I actually have no idea if this happened—very little information about 2011-2015 Posner exists on the Internet because he was completely and utterly irrelevant during this time.)
Are you ready to overdose yet? No? Take a gander at the pre-chorus:“But you don’t wanna be high like me / never really knowing why like me” You seriously don’t know why, Mike? To everyone else, it’s blatantly obvious. You made money, acted like a buffoon by spending it on stupid things and irresponsibly took drugs with a man who oh so distastefully started the trend of combining folk and house music (literally no one was asking for this. “Wake Me Up” is the one of the worst songs of the decade). You dug a deep hole and willingly dove into it. And now you’re back, not by your own merit, but because someone remixed your song. “You don’t wanna ride the bus like this.” When have you ever had to use public transportation in your exorbitant, privileged life? Do us all a favor: skip the bus, hop in your sports car and drive off a cliff. Leave the drugs for me.
