Midterms are really great, aren’t they? No really… aren’t they so freaking great? I really love having so much to do in such a little amount of time. It’s great to have the feeling of the universe fleeting and your life falling apart right before the festivities of Halloween. No, don’t worry, I’m not forcing it or anything. Here’s a listicle or whatever you call it.

1. Who needs sleep anyway?

Sleep is for the weak, and you should know that. You chose college life over the possibly preferable option of video games, Cheetos, and having a permanent residency in your parent’s basement. You made a mistake and I can’t weep for you. Don’t complain about your workload. Hey, I might not get enough sleep, but that’s because I’m a phenomenal procrastinator. One of the best you will ever see. No, I’m really good. Trust me.

2. You finally learn what the library looks like.

You know something funny? I just found out you can reserve rooms in the library. That’s pretty cool, right? Well, you’ve walked past it many times, but maybe you should consider checking out the library. It can be pretty useful. Don’t ignore it. I actually feel like a functioning human being and not a meme addict when I go there to do work. The atmosphere just gives off a professional vibe (which is a good vibe), and that provides me energy for some reason. There’s also books and stuff.

3. I love having so much piled on me at one time.

Professors are great (most of them), but sometimes they can be accidental sociopaths. The likes of assigning a ten-page paper in the midst of other tests and papers. It just feels unnecessary. Like, whatever happened to the good ol' 25 to 50-question multiple choice test (the gold standard)? Pfftt, thanks for that one Obama (if that even is your real name!).

4. What are friends?

If you’re not like me and actually have friends, you’re probably not going to see them at all during midterms. But that’s fine! You’re an independent, free spirit. Also, your existential breakdown in the library will be less hilarious because your friend won’t be able to document it to Snapchat and other dumb and trendy forms of social media. You don’t need friends or human contact whatsoever.

5. Midterm evaluations are posted.

These are so retro! It makes you feel like it’s report card season again because your parents check up on how you’re doing (not well). But this time, they might withdraw funding if your “future” is getting by with a ‘D’ in your Intro to Acting class. These are the big leagues and the midterms filter out the weak!

Midterms are wonderful. No, you shut up! All kidding aside, midterms are great if you stay on top of your stuff. Keep your stuff together (I’m using “stuff” in lieu of another word). Read your syllabi and don’t spend too much time having “fun." Just a fun reminder: It costs a lot of money to go to college. Good luck!