The women of the uber Catholic/Mexican side of my family have been known to have killer psychic abilities! They can see dead people. They can tell you the exciting history of a piece of furniture. They can tell where someone died, and they can even prevent their own deaths! Until now, I have previously been unable to access my supernatural abilities, but I believe my time has come. I'm basically like that kid in "Sky High." Let me just take this opportunity to flex my mind-reading abilities a bit to let you know exactly what you want.
1. You want to be at UD.
Wow!! Guys I can't believe you; it's summer time! You could be out on the waves (of the Midwest?) or sleeping in. You want to go back to school?? What can I say, my Mexican third eye never lies.
2. You want a breakfast burrito from R Taco.
Seriously?? You have no other means of having a taco available to you at home? No tortillas? No eggs or bacon? What kind of lawless waste land are you living in? Probably the Midwest. Or the ice level of Dante's Inferno.
3. You want a Wall from Tim's.
Unbelievable. If you haven't had access to vodka this summer, I pity you. And if you really want a blue tongue so badly, I would recommend some Kool-Aid. Or eating a blue-blooded wolf's heart.
4. You want an Empo grilled cheese.
Come on you guys. Why is everything you want food-based. Like, I get it, but you're disappointing Dionysus.
5. You want to be in a hammock in a student neighborhood.
You want to relax with all of your best friends on a beautiful day?? Blasphemy! Hogwash! Balderdash! Codswallop!
6. You want it to be St. Patrick's Day.
All of your dreams are literally about this one day!! What could possibly be so awesome about an Irish guy?? Yes, sometimes my crystal ball sends me abstract images, so maybe you just miss alcohol. And the color green really does bring out your eyes.
7. You want KU breakfast potatoes.
Why in the world are you guys thinking about this. You've all sent a telepathic image of delicious savory potatoes to my mind's inner eye and now I'm feeling sad because KU has been bust up. Why must you all want things you can't have? But alas, plucking these things out of your brains like splinters is the burden I must bare.
8. You want it to be Thirsty Thursday.
Or maybe I'm seeing Wine Wednesday. Tequila Tuesday? To be honest I really couldn't tell you which day your mind is thinking of because you plan on partying in some form almost every single day. Cheers comrades; my voodoo temple is granting you a year of plenty.
9. You want the 2-factor authentication system to be dismantled.
I really can't blame you for this one, my little cosmic light dolls. This system has followed you into the summer as you attempt to select a parking lot and watch the new "Game of Thrones" episodes. All you want is to see Jon and Daenerys hook up, but technology has taken over our minds!! Maybe the Lord of Light is smarter than we thought.
10. You want to be able to enter your Banner hours during the summer.
Oh on the blood of a virgin newt's eye!! You want to be paid even though you're not working? You want the University to give you back just a smidgen of what they have cold-heartedly smuggled away from your arthritic hands and pauper's heart? Shame on you!
11. You want a margarita from El Rancho.
For the love of dream catchers and toad stools, you want more to drink? I mean, it's clear you also want some taquitos while you're there, so we might as well just say you want some Mexican. (I'm always here...). We can also throw in the fact that you can't wait to try some Chipotle queso. (When did 'I' become 'we'? The god of partying and drinking seems to have joined us in deciphering your deepest desires. The more gods the merrier am I right? Was that too blasphemous? Try torching me, I dare you: a dragon can't be burnt).
12. You want it to be free cone day.
Okay, this is just getting ridiculous. We might as well just list all of the various foods we see in your mind. Bibidibopidiboo! You want Bibibop! You want some Cousin Vinny's (but you don't even want Joe Pesci!). You want a monster cookie, Zombie Dogz, a Potbelly shake, a smoothie from the Rec, VWK Mongo, and a steak from the Pine Club (keep dreaming big - we'll be watching).
13. You miss your friends.
For some reason we just see the glowing word 'COMMUNITY' in all of your heads followed up by someone saying "I know we're always saying that word, but it's so true!" And then we just see a bunch of day drinkers, basketball games, people wearing sweatpants to mass, Mike Posner, Isidore, Erma Bombeck, and Raymond L. Fitz. And you - wearing a lime green fanny pack, a hat with the old UD logo, a Daytona Beach tee, dry shampooed hair, and $2000 worth of useless textbooks! Incredible! You know, if you miss your friends so much, just go back to Dayton. Oh yea, we have almost a month to go. What use is having a super power if it can't bring me back to Dayton? (It seems Bacchus has left us and I'm reverting to my pre-power-holding, first-person narrative self! It's like when Superman finds gold Kryptonite! Well, at least it's not the pink kryptonite lol).
It was fun being psychic, but it's about time for me to turn in my voodoo dolls and cauldron and go back home. I can sense that you'll meet me on Stewart and Brown. Or at Kief and Lawnview if the night is dark and full of terrors.
