Walking into the gym always spurs a lot of anxiety for me. As does putting on a bathing suit. Yes, I realize that everyone has these kind of thoughts, but for me, these feelings never really go away.
I have suffered from generalized anxiety and social anxiety for years.
While never diagnosed, I have had multiple depressive episodes in the last two years. During these episodes it's near impossible for me to get out of bed, let alone go to the gym.
Now, I am not in bad shape. But I'm also no bikini model, so dealing with wanting to go to the beach and wanting to go to pools is hard as even when I'm in a good mental place, my anxiety really gets in the way.
As I try to go to the gym, I become obsessed with what others are thinking of me.
My head goes crazy with potential judgements and what if's. It gets so bad that sometimes I can't leave the locker room, and I just end up going home.
And yes, people will argue that I could push through, and sometimes I do. And sometimes, working out and just pushing through really helps where I am mentally. But more often than not, I will work myself up into a panic attack and then it's game over.
To my anxiety, I'm working on it.
Living with you is really challenging. Some days are better than others. Some things are better than others.
While the future of our relationship is pretty set in stone, I'm glad that we are working to get better. I'm glad we have someone to bounce our problems off of.
I know that going to the gym will likely be really hard for me for a while, but I won't stop trying.
And while I may not have a "summer body" I think I would rather work towards being okay with how I look as I am rather than be bothered by having a little pudge.
Happy summer everyone, go to the beach, and don't care what people care about you.