This article will be about my experiences with mental illness and how it has affected my life.
Aurora is an amazing Norwegian born singer-songwriter
And honestly, her voice and talent are majestic and breathtaking. I first listened to this song during the winter of my senior year of high school if I remember correctly. This song was written from her experience touring and how she was homesick. Unfortunately, when I first heard the lyrics I interpreted it as a want to end one's life. Because at the time I was starving myself day in and day out, and I was self-harming behind a ShopRite
Because When I closed my eyes,
I saw the pitch-black field of the night that shields me from what exists around me. Because that's all I saw a few years ago. I would wake and feel the weight of a thousand pounds on my chest crushing me and restricting the flow of air into my lungs, I felt the seductive embrace of the blankets whispering into my ears to turn away from life and allow my eyes to relax, and allow myself to lie in this pit. Soon this fatigue, this siphoning of my energy became more extreme. The whispers within my own mind would manifest into more than just voices but of pain, sorrow, guilt, hate, disgust. It was as if my own mind betrayed me and turned itself on to my soul. It convinced me to take up arms and razed my arms. The same arms used to hold my sisters when they were just infants blessed with the gift of life. I allowed my hands to wield an agent of pain, as I grasped it in my hand and carved up my arms and shoulders.
The voices tormented me
and persuaded me to restrict my throat. The same voice I used to express the words " I love you" to my best friend, the same instrument that would laugh, and cry with my friends and family and express how much faith I had in them. I wore a mask, as many people out there do. I pretended to be so carefree and cheerful in order to hide the weight of the sky on my shoulders, to hide how much I wanted to be held and told everything was gonna be alright, but instead went out to the hunting grounds of the night, with only the shining light of the moon and ferocious gales of winter for comfort. Because who wanted to hang out with the depressed kid? And why would I be a burden and annoy someone else?
That was me when I was 17 years old
Since the age of 9, I have hidden the fact, that I live with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphia, and suicidal thoughts and actions. I have practiced self-harm, I have made attempts on my life, and I would self destruct and struggle day by day to live a stable life. I hid this fact because I have a home, I have food on the table, I have a good circle of friends, families, I have responsibilities, that's the thing with mental illness. It can affect anyone, from all walks of life. It affects everyone differently. And it's not just sadness,
depression is more than sadness.
You could be waking up and losing interest in things that you enjoyed, it could have no energy to carry out any task. It could be thoughts of self-hate, anxiety inst; just over worrying about something, it could be not being able to sleep because your mind just won't let you. It could be forgetting who you are and just feeling like your living as a background character with no real grasp in reality. Everyone is unique that's why it affects everyone differently. And it takes time for everyone to get to a point in which they can live stable lives and not have their illness harm them so much. I am not one of those people. I live with it every day. Right now just writing this week's installment is taking its toll. Sometimes I feel as if I'm in danger and anxious about nothing or I just feel like nothing matters and I want to die. Reaching back and recalling those nights are especially exhausting and suck. To this day I still will freak out if I see a bloody knife, and I don't feel any shame in saying that anymore. Because why should I?
We should tell our stories.
There is a stigma when it comes to people suffering in what I call to silence. Because it's scary and hard to reach for a lifeline because there's this awful feeling of your area burden or you just want attention, and reeling in the fear that the people in your lie will abandon you over something they don't' understand, and that is heartbreaking. It stings to watch as someone you loved who once you held in your arms have their whole perception of your shift so that you become different and taboo. Although these people don't deserve hate as they aren't obligated to stay it hurts nonetheless. However, even when people walk away there's always at least someone who chooses you. Who chooses to stay and endure the course, who looks beyond the hurricane of madness hidden in your eyes. It could be a friend, a family member, whatever. All I know is that if my special someone reads this, I love you, and thank you for helping me stay awake.
