She is demanding, controlling, manipulative, and overwhelming. She has different intensities, and she strikes at the most inopportune moments. She surprises me when I am least expecting her, and she comes uninvited to any and every event. She is everything I hate about myself, everything I try not to be. She is the bad, the ugly, the fear, the madness, the chaos that I have been fighting for years. She doesn't have control over me like she used to, but in the moments when she does, life feels like a living hell. Fortunately for me, for nearly half a year, I forgot she existed and was part of my life, but she's made a reappearance within the last few months, and it's just a reminder that I don't think she'll be leaving anytime soon.
At her worst, she makes me feel crippled and incapacitated. I am shivering, shaking, sobbing silently. My body is overcome with tingles and all I want to do is claw at my body and break open my chest to set them free. I feel every beat of my heart, and I can feel my lungs getting tighter. I am suddenly overly aware of everything that is happening in my body. Every pair of eyes seems to be looking at me, and I am crushed by the pressure I have put on myself.
In the most vivid picture I remember walking into a classroom that was almost always empty during one of my free periods, but for THIS ONE TIME, this ONE DAY, it was filled to the brim with people. I walked in, snapped out of my dazed trance, and I made eye contact with my friends. One, two, three, four, five. Five pairs of eyes within a few seconds. Too many thoughts, too many people, too many eyes, too many possibilities. I immediately ran out to my safe spot, to my safe haven: the bathroom. In a single stall where I could just sit by myself. As people walked in and out, I could hear my breathes become shorter and faster. My body felt like it was pounding, and my head was hurting from fighting myself. Suddenly facing the world seemed so much harder and scarier than it was before. Everyone was looking at me. Everyone was wondering what I was doing. Everyone was thinking I was a freak.
She made me believe my secrets, the ones no one could possibly know, were being whispered behind my back. She made me believe all the people I trusted believed the rumors that were circulating about me. They no longer thought highly of me, and they no longer trusted my word and promises. They believed the lies that were being fed to them. I sat there holding myself until I heard the bell ring, and I convinced myself to get up. I put my earbuds in, wiped away my tears and running mascara, took a deep breath and repeated to myself again, "you're okay."
"You're okay." The lie I have been telling myself to get through those days. The lie I continue to tell myself when I find myself spending a day with her.
She used to visit me daily, and for the beginning of this year, she was my closest friend. She sat with me during late-night rehearsals telling me I would never achieve any of my dreams. I wasn't good enough for anything. Everything I had earned in my performing career so far was given to me out of pity. We would pass people I thought I would be friends with forever, and when we saw them she told me I would never find friends like them again. No one would ever want to be my friend again, so why was I still trying, why was I still caring? She told me I should give up now and get rid of any of the remaining friends I had left. If it was just me and her again, I wouldn't be hurt again. Then every morning we stood in front of the mirror together and meticulously scrutinized every single detail of my body, from the tips of my fingernails to the thinnest strand of hair on my head. These were just some of the things we did together.
Before I knew it, she was back in my life and a part of my daily routine. She was always reminding me what time it was. It's time to hate yourself, time to fear change, time to lose hope. Look, here someone comes, it's time to run away. This was our life for a few months, and just as quickly as she came back into my life, she left. I can't exactly remember when or why, but she was gone. For about a month, I went back to just living and being content. I even started talking to the guy I like. As life seemed to be getting better, she made her appearance. He doesn't like you. He doesn't want to talk to you. He doesn't even want to be your friend, why would he want to date you. Don't text now, you'll look desperate. Don't say hi, you'll be too easy. You don't deserve him. You don't deserve anyone. You're too ugly. You're too fat. You're too stupid. You're too this or that. You'll never be good enough for him, you'll never be good enough for anyone.
This has always been our relationship. She makes up insecurities and impractical scenarios. She makes me hate myself and makes me worry about things that aren't real. She makes me criticize who I am and belittle my achievements. She makes me afraid of the world and everything it has to offer. She keeps me hidden and tucked away, safe away from everyone else. With her, no one else can hurt me. With her, the only one hurting me is myself.
I don't have a cure for her. I don't know how to make her go away. The only thing I really have is the two words,"you're okay."
You're okay to move on. You're okay to let go. You're okay to forgive yourself and others. You're okay and are always getting better. You're okay to show your excitement. You're okay to be who you are. You're okay to be fearless, daring, and bold. You're okay.
I live by the saying, "fake it until you make it." Sometimes the words "you're okay" are lies. But they're the lies that get me through the days until I truly believe that I'm okay.
