Dear person who stole my laptop,

I just wanted to say thanks. Thank you so much for making my already sorta- crappy week even worse. Not only did you momentarily make me feel like a Kim K for a whole evening (bad joke), but you had the gumption to take both my and my roommate's laptops. Why do you need two laptops in the first place? Are you planning to simultaneously watch "The Office" and plan out routes to sh*tty dorm rooms that you can loot?

I just wanted to make sure that you knew that going through my things in my dorm room really makes me feel safe in an environment where it is really hard to have your own space. Not only am I with people 24/7, but now, I get another fun visit from my friendly neighborhood bandit. So thanks for that. Just when I was secure in the space that I was living in you show up and decide to make your presence known by stealing pretty much the most important thing to a college kid: their laptop.

I know this rant is a little bit unnecessary in this day in age where there are clearly other, more important and tragic things than a stuck up kid losing her laptop, but this one just really pissed me off. How am I supposed to binge- watch Netflix when I am two hours away from a very long-ago set essay deadline? Also, to make matters much much worse I had about thirty dollars worth of baller Red Bubble stickers on my laptop. Not only did I spend about three days carefully considering which cartoon succulents I should brand my laptop with, but I also spent numerous hours carefully placing said stickers on my laptop so that they would be the most aesthetically pleasing to all who view them.

But really, I want to thank you. You made me realize that my computer is just a thing. When I called my parents at midnight to tell them of your thievery they answered the phone expecting that I had been injured. Both my roommates' and my parents told us that if our computers being stolen was the worst thing that had happened to us in college, that we should consider ourselves lucky. And I completely agree, your thievery was merely a wake up call that I had become too attached to my physical objects.

So, thank you mediocre thief, you're really doing good work.

Sincerely,

Please just give me my stickers back.