*For survivors of sexual assault/harassment, this article will likely be triggering. Please take care of yourself, and maybe cuddle an animal if you do choose to read on*
After the news broke about Harvey Weinstein last week, I just kind of chuckled to myself. Yet another celebrity assaulting women in their industry. But how long would the backlash last? We were all furious about Brock Turner, but now, I feel as though a lot of people around me have forgotten all about him. We act as though these events are isolated cases and that we don't have a problem with males' perception of females. That we don't have a problem with overstepping boundaries and not understanding consent.
Then I went online this past Sunday. Posts saying "me too" flooded my timeline, and when I found the reason behind these posts, I cried. Maybe we will realize the magnitude of our society's problem from these posts. Maybe we won't. Since the Harvey Weinstein news broke, many celebrities have shared their story online. Most notably for me, Jonathon Saccone Joly shared his story of being assaulted by a male friend at the age of 19.
I've told my story to personal friends. I've struggled through telling my family, years later. But I can't stop thinking of how our stories can help save others. Ignorance helps no one.
When I was 15, I was sexually assaulted. It wasn't as intense as the stories that I had heard of assault at the time, so I didn't recognize any problem. I had said no, but I cared about the person I was with, so I believed that I owed it to him. So I went along, feeling like shit, and feeling as though the world was falling apart around me. I could've pushed away, but my brain was so paralyzed in fear of what my friends would think of the rumors that would be spread, that I went along.
I made him drive me home after that, and as I was contemplating telling him that I loved him, he decided to break up with me and then spread rumors about me.
I didn't realize anything was wrong with that, or myself, for a few years. I was ashamed, but my old Catholic faith would say that was because I was intimate before marriage. I broke the rules of my religion, and I was guilty of that. Not him. Me. I knew better, I should've stopped him. But in that moment, I couldn't.
It wasn't until March 20, 2014 that I realized something was wrong. My boyfriend and I were talking in his car, and he went to put his arm around me. I didn't see it happen, so when he touched my arm, I freaked. My brain went into panic mode, I began shutting down, having one of my first panic attacks. I cried in the fetal position for a long time, and when I finally came out of it, he asked, "What the hell just happened? What did I do?" and then I explained how as soon as he touched my arm, that my mind went straight back to that day when I was 15. I saw his face. I felt the guilt. And my brain went into survival mode. It was then that I recognized that what had happened was assault.
Yet I still told no one. It would take until I was 19, and in therapy for the first time in my life, that I would mention it to someone else. At this point, I had been going to the same school as him, without any support. No one understood why I hadn't set aside this breakup from 4 years before.
Right around the four-year mark, I decided I had to do something to reclaim some strength in light of seeing him every few days. And then my chem TA harassed me. He friended me on Facebook and messaged me. I thought it was harmless, until very suddenly it wasn't. I remember blaming myself in front of a trusted Campus Ministry worker, and he told me, "This isn't your fault, don't blame yourself." This situation didn't go unnoticed. I told my chem lab professor, and she helped me get in contact with the Title IX office on campus. Within a week, I had a temporary no-contact order against my TA.
Reclaiming power after these situations isn't easy. I still don't feel as though I'm quite there yet. Five years on and I can talk about it without crying. Five years on and I try my best to be an advocate. Five years on and I still see my ex every few days. But I'm okay. It's an unavoidable situation. We don't talk.
Sometimes I wonder if they both realize what they did to me. I wonder if they know how unsafe I felt. I wonder if my ex recognizes he did anything wrong. I wonder if my TA realizes that I couldn't walk alone at night for a few weeks after and that when I finally did, I felt I was being followed.
I wonder all these things. I wonder if our society will ever fix itself. I hope and pray that the "Me too" campaign will help someone somewhere realize that this is wrong.
It isn't based on what the girl is wearing or doing. When it happened to me, I was wearing jeans and a baggy sweatshirt. My hair was in a ponytail. I didn't have makeup on. I wasn't asking for it. Even had I been dressed provocatively, I still wouldn't have been asking for it. At first, I said yes. But I retracted that and said no soon after. No means no. Whether you're just starting, or you're in the middle. As soon as someone says no, it's full stop. You don't plead with them to do it. You don't say, "But I care about you." You accept that they don't want to, and you move on. Girlfriends don't owe their partners anything. And just because she said yes to it in a certain situation, does not mean she has to say yes the next time around.
This goes for everyone. Not just guy to girl. But everyone. In every situation. If someone says no, just stop. Whether you are a billionaire, the president, a movie producer, or a loved one, no means no. Ask every time.
And until we have some kind of solution to the hidden epidemic of sexual assault, I'm not going to stop standing up for this.
If you are in need of support regarding any Gender-Based Violence issue, please call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673. This is a 24/7 service. You can also text HOME to 741-741, and a counselor will text you back to help you through your crisis.
Please remember that you are loved and valued no matter what.
