After countless comments from family members and friends asking if you have a boyfriend or when you're going to get one, you start to ask yourself... Why don't you have a boyfriend? You examine every interaction you've ever had with a guy. Is it them? Is it you?
Maybe it's because I've seen my friends in countless relationships throughout college, or because my great aunt with a short memory span kept questioning why I was single, and maybe that question just kept running through my mind ever since.
I've always been alone, never wanting to rely on anyone else to get through any of my pain. I would rather push my feelings aside, rather than feeling like a burden to anyone. I keep everyone at arms length. I'm more introverted, so I'm quiet at first, because I like to get a feeling of the other person before I take the time to let them know about me.
So, my friends, here are the reasons I found, during a night of overthinking, to the constant question of why I'm always single... in a letter
To whom it may concern,
Meredith Grey said it best... "Why can't I be that happily ever after person? Why can't I believe in that?"
I hate being emotional.
Crying or talking about my feelings is not my forte. Only a select few people know about the things going on in my personal life, and I prefer to keep it that way. I don't open up easily, so it takes quite a bit of time to get to know me, and more often than not, especially in college, not many people have the patience. I've learned to hold my feelings in.
Chances are if you hurt me, I won't show it. I'd rather shut down, cry when no one is watching, then find a way to get over it on my own.
I push people away.
Most of the guys I've "talked" to ended with us just not talking anymore. I usually never take it to heart, but I've started to wonder why it's so easy for guys to just stop. Did I not constantly say the right things? Was I not needy enough? What did I do wrong?
My roommate told me I push them away, that I'm usually the one who stops replying. Maybe that's true. I don't intentionally stop replying, in my mind, I just get busy and I tend to forget. But my philosophy is that if a guy really wanted my attention he'd do everything he could think of to get it, and if I really wanted a guys attention I'd do the same. Until then, I'm going to stay true to my philosophy.
I'm not good at being vulnerable.
This goes with I hate being emotional. I've had guys tell me that they think that I'm not interested in them. I reply with "sure" when asked to hangout, not because I don't want to, but because that is my version of a yes. The truth is, I am interested. I'm just not good at showing it. I choose to show it with sass and sarcasm. I'd rather have a man that can make me laugh, rather than someone who can chew off my ear by telling me everything that they think I want to hear. I don't need someone to tell me how pretty I am, or how much they like me... In all honesty I'd rather have someone who buys me cookies or ice cream late at night, or says, "Let's go get wings." Now that would give me *goosebumps.* Don't get me wrong, I want a guy that I can have late night conversations with, but I need someone who understands that it takes me awhile to get comfortable, and by awhile, I mean more than only hanging out three or four times.
I'm scared to let people get close.
I've said goodbye to so many people in the past. Family, friends, guys, etc. I'm so tired of saying goodbye that sometimes I choose to skip the hello and save myself from a heartbreak. It's not always intentional, sometimes I truly do not see that I pushed myself away because I was scared, but looking back, I see this was the reason. I'm scared to put myself out there, I'm scared to let guys in, because so many before have just walked away. If a guy doesn't give me a reason to trust him, or my gut tells me right away that he isn't the one, I choose to save my breath, instead of telling him everything about me.
Maybe I am just not girlfriend material. Maybe I just haven't found the right one. Whichever one, I just can't change who I am.
So here's to hoping I just haven't found my "perfect match."
