Maybe I Don't Know

A song has been running through my head a lot the past week. The song is Maybe IDK by Jon Bellion. I know that the song is about his journey with his faith and finding it. I understand that I get that. However, I have a hard time with any type of faith or belief system. I connect with the song in a different way. It also helps me explain my thoughts a little better. So these are lyrics from that song and how I identify with them.

"I wonder why I say yes to everyone in my life."

I do this so much. Last semester up at AU I just kept telling everyone yes and ended up stretched super thin. I was working backstage for a musical, I was in a play, I had classes and work to do for those classes, I would go do things with friends when they asked me. I got super involved on campus with Orientation Team and the Theatre department. I was very busy and had little to no time for me and my health.

"I wonder why I miss everyone and still don't call."

I can’t even begin to explain how much I miss the friends I had my freshmen year of college. We were a tight group, and they still are, just without me in it. My roommate and I talk about how much we miss game nights and having people to hang out with and have a good time. Who knows what really happened. I grew up and developed more during sophomore year and they did as well, just in a different way. Does'’t mean that I don't miss them.

"I wonder why I feel emptiness and I sing these blues."

I do this a lot. When I am feeling sad or missing someone or anything like that, I listen to sad songs. You would think that it would only make those feelings worse. It doesn't. It is sort of comforting. Hearing exactly what you are feeling in song and knowing that the person who wrote the song has been where you are.

"I wonder why I feel hopelessness when I watch the news."

I mean but who doesn't. This world we live in is not the best. There are so many problems in the world. Terrorism, new Presidents, Poverty, starvation, global warming, and the list goes on. It is sometimes just really hard to stay positive in a world full of negativity.

"I wonder why we all fear the things that we might not know."

I totally do this. I fear the unknown. It is one of my biggest fears. I am the type of person that likes to know what is going to happen. I like plans. I like my days scheduled out so I know where I need to be. I don't like mysteries, I don't like not having answers to things. I don’t like being in the dark. This is why Death is my biggest fear. I don't know what happens, I don't know what comes next. I don’t like it.

"I wonder why I can't find my voice in my dreams."

I took this as "I have dreams and I would love for them to come true but I can’t quite make it there. I can't quite get to the point where I can really see myself achieving them," and I get that. I sometimes feel that way. Or, I look at where my life is and where it is heading and am excited but also can't see myself there, like it is a life for someone else.

"All this shit I can't explain. Is it by design or random fate?"

That is my biggest question. How is all of this, all of this? How was the world made? How is it that I met all the people that I have? Is it all part of some greater design that was thought up by some greater power? Is it just what happens, the natural course of my life. I, by chance, met the people I have and experienced the things that I did because I put myself in that situation to do so?

"Although I guess if I knew tomorrow I guess I wouldn't need faith. I guess if I knew His plans I guess He wouldn't be God."

But, I don't really have a faith and I don’t know if I completely believe in God. I have so many questions about God, the idea of Him, His work, His everything. I have a hard time believing in something that I can’t fully and truly know is real. If God created everything then who created God? How am I supposed to just believe in him?

"So maybe I don't know but maybe that's okay."

I really don't know and I know that is okay. I haven't fully understood too much of my life up to this point. I know I still have time to figure everything out. And that is really all I can say because I don't know.