Masshole Thoughts As Told by Sheldon Cooper

Masshole Thoughts As Told by Sheldon Cooper

Please tell me why you're going 50 mph in the fast lane.

Everyone has heard of the 'typical Masshole' expression used to describe aggressive, speedy drivers often with peppered language. If you're from Massachusetts, you can likely identify with some of these qualities. After all, most people from Massachusetts drive like this and you kind of have to be aggressive to survive. Those who don't will look at us drivers like a bunch of hell bent speed demons and have a difficult time driving in Massachusetts. Not to mention they are more than terrified to get in a car with us. But don't worry, we're still safe drivers. We just know how to use our gas pedals and spice up the ride with some colorful language.

1. When the person in front of you has been driving with their directional on for the past two miles.

Oh are you turning left into that pile of rocks or into this patch of woods? When you do actually turn, I'll be sure to thank you for the three mile notice.

2. When you get stuck behind someone going 50 mph in the left lane and you just want to hold up a sign that says:

Don't you know that the left lane is for passing and not for day dreaming? You just don't belong in this lane, ma'am.

3. You have your excuse all lined up for if you ever get pulled over.

I'm sorry, officer, but the Batmobile only knows one speed: fast.

4. You're stuck behind someone going terribly slow all the way through town and there's no way to pass them.

If you wanted to go this slowly, why didn't you just go for a walk?

5. Twenty minutes later you're still stuck behind the same lady so you try and calm yourself down.

At this point, you could have walked to work faster.

6. You see one of those tiny Smart cars try to pass you on the highway.

Let's be real, those cars are so small they barely have an engine.

7. All of a sudden the person in front of you decides to turn without ever putting their directional on.

Thanks so much for the heads up.

8. You're at a stop light and you see the person next to you in a fancy sports car and you think:

Especially when you see they have a Florida license plate.

9. Your friends ask you if you would be able to drive somewhere without swearing about other drivers.

Some habits just can't be broken.

10. When people cut you off or take forever to make a left turn.

Driving would just be so much easier if you could control all the other cars around you.

11. Your friends from other states wonder how you got to be the crazy driver you are.

It's a Massachusetts thing; you out of staters just wouldn't understand.

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College As Told By Junie B. Jones

A tribute to the beloved author Barbara Parks.

The Junie B. Jones series was a big part of my childhood. They were the first chapter books I ever read. On car trips, my mother would entertain my sister and me by purchasing a new Junie B. Jones book and reading it to us. My favorite part about the books then, and still, are how funny they are. Junie B. takes things very literally, and her (mis)adventures are hilarious. A lot of children's authors tend to write for children and parents in their books to keep the attention of both parties. Barbara Park, the author of the Junie B. Jones series, did just that. This is why many things Junie B. said in Kindergarten could be applied to her experiences in college, as shown here.

When Junie B. introduces herself hundreds of times during orientation week:

“My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don't like Beatrice. I just like B and that's all." (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 1)

When she goes to her first college career fair:

"Yeah, only guess what? I never even heard of that dumb word careers before. And so I won't know what the heck we're talking about." (Junie B. Jones and her Big Fat Mouth, p. 2)

When she thinks people in class are gossiping about her:

“They whispered to each other for a real long time. Also, they kept looking at me. And they wouldn't even stop." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 66)

When someone asks her about the library:

“It's where the books are. And guess what? Books are my very favorite things in the whole world!" (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 27)

When she doesn't know what she's eating at the caf:

“I peeked inside the bread. I stared and stared for a real long time. 'Cause I didn't actually recognize the meat, that's why. Finally, I ate it anyway. It was tasty...whatever it was." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 66)

When she gets bored during class:

“I drew a sausage patty on my arm. Only that wasn't even an assignment." (Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren, p. 18)

When she considers dropping out:

“Maybe someday I will just be the Boss of Cookies instead!" (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 76)

When her friends invite her to the lake for Labor Day:

“GOOD NEWS! I CAN COME TO THE LAKE WITH YOU, I BELIEVE!" (Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, p. 17)

When her professor never enters grades on time:

“I rolled my eyes way up to the sky." (Junie B., First Grader Boss of Lunch, p. 38)

When her friends won't stop poking her on Facebook:

“Do not poke me one more time, and I mean it." (Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy, p. 7)

When she finds out she got a bad test grade:

“Then my eyes got a little bit wet. I wasn't crying, though." (Junie B. Jones and the Stupid Smelly Bus, p. 17)

When she isn't allowed to have a pet on campus but really wants one:


When she has to walk across campus in the dark:

“There's no such thing as monsters. There's no such thing as monsters." (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed, p. 12)

When her boyfriend breaks her heart:

“I am a bachelorette. A bachelorette is when your boyfriend named Ricardo dumps you at recess. Only I wasn't actually expecting that terrible trouble." (Junie B. Jones Is (almost) a Flower Girl, p. 1)

When she paints her first canvas:

"And painting is the funnest thing I love!" (Junie B. Jones and her Big Fat Mouth, p. 61)

When her sorority takes stacked pictures:

“The biggie kids stand in the back. And the shortie kids stand in the front. I am a shortie kid. Only that is nothing to be ashamed of." (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed, p. 7)

When she's had enough of the caf's food:

“Want to bake a lemon pie? A lemon pie would be fun, don't you think?" (Junie B. Jones Has a Monster Under Her Bed p. 34)

When she forgets about an exam:

“Speechless is when your mouth can't speech." (Junie B. Jones Loves Handsome Warren, p. 54)

When she finds out she has enough credits to graduate:

“A DIPLOMA! A DIPLOMA! I WILL LOVE A DIPLOMA!" (Junie B. Jones is a Graduation Girl p. 6)

When she gets home from college:

"IT'S ME! IT'S JUNIE B. JONES! I'M HOME FROM MY SCHOOL!" (Junie B. Jones and some Sneaky Peaky Spying p. 20)

Cover Image Credit: OrderOfBooks

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