Over the next few weeks, I will be writing a three article series on the connection between reason and emotion in relationships. Since it's been such a complex topic for me to try and figure out, I believe one article would not do the topic justice.
I’ve always been under the impression that love is neither necessarily logical nor rational. A vast majority of the most beloved films, books, and songs concerning love tend to depict the thrilling, yet frightening, passion of love. Nearly always, there is a boy, dropping all of his life’s pursuits in favor of tirelessly convincing his dream girl of his worth. Frequently, there is a girl, consumed by a boy, her outlet typically shown to be keeping a diary as she reflects on a future with him. And yet, often, the humble boy’s pursuit falters; the girl is just too pretty to stick with him. Similarly, the girl intoxicated by her suitor, also is abandoned; the bad-boy rebel always succumbing to his drifter-esque and uncommitted ways. He’ll leave the girl in the wake of short-lived but jarring emotional waves. I imagine these two love-stories playing out, side by side, on two movie screens. At their conclusion, the paths of the now lonely boy and girl from each narrative converge. Each character broods about their seemingly hopeless pursuit of a soul mate. I won’t continue to bore you with my impression of fairy tale love stories, but I hope you catch my drift. This is how I have often - mostly by pop culture indoctrination – envisioned love.
And yet, my observations of relationships in real life have often revealed a dramatically different status quo. I see partners who, while out for an evening together, appear totally disinterested in their significant other. They glance around at their surroundings and passersby, as if to say, “I’m only here out of duty.” I witness arguments over seemingly insignificant disagreements, which lack even an ounce of civility. The language used rapidly descends into the realm of vitriol. Two people who supposedly love one another suddenly appear to be foes in battle. Perhaps most disheartening to me are those relationships, which strictly endure due to convenience, practicality, and familiarity. We recognize these as those instances in which a husband steadily holds affairs and the wife – although to her chagrin - sticks by his side. Maybe she needs the financial security. Maybe she doesn’t care to endure the often-distasteful proceedings of divorce. Or maybe, despite the pain her husband’s unfaithful proclivities wreak on her heart, having a significant other around occasionally is preferable to the prospect of having no one. The examples of strictly "quid pro quo" relationships are countless. The examples of people sacrificing their own dignity because they fear loneliness are infinite. Domestic abuse tolerated for occasional intimacy being a circumstance, which immediately comes to mind.
Regardless, the point I’m trying to make is that for every failed fairy tale relationship, there are likely about 10 failed pragmatic and emotionless relationships. In the former instances, girl and boy followed their hormones and hearts, abandoned reason, and lived as if tomorrow would never come. In the latter cases – although not even in a healthy manner – the two partners took a strictly calculated approach to their relationship. Like they were playing fantasy football, their most prominent considerations were odds. A cold and discouraging cost – benefit analysis; and yes, a perverse one at that since our hypothetical spouses tolerated so much disdainful behavior.
These long-winded – and probably pretty boring…hope you still have a heartbeat after reading it – scenarios seem to fit into two distinct traits: Reason and Emotion. That is to say, the most intoxicating and passionate relationships are driven predominantly by emotion. We allow ourselves to be overcome, without reservation, by what we feel for another person. Then, there are other relationships, which rely almost exclusively on emotionless calculation of what is the lesser of countless evils.
As I’ve reflected on these two traits (reason and emotion), it’s become clear to me that each serves an integral role in a healthy relationship. However, relying solely upon one or the other will almost surely result in disappointment, heartache, and resentment.
What does serve a relationship well is a balanced comingling of the two; allowing emotion to permeate each second of intimate moments, while permitting reason to guide you and your partner through the more tedious, messy, and frustrating aspects of love.
So, what exactly, is the ideal mixture of these two traits? What is the magic formula, which will lead us to that future of sitting in rocking chairs together and not spending every waking moment, with minimal human contact, feeding 15 cats?
