I had this realization this past Sunday as I sat on my couch reading "Milk & Honey" to Michael.

As the hopeless romantic that I am, I fantasize most of my encounters and try to live as if life were a freaking poem — or something. I publicly say I do not believe in marriage and won't have kids, but I have a wedding folder next to my poem folder. I say these things and try to pretend like I don't care, because I rather do that than be disappointed.

As I've matured I've realized the type of person I am, and I'm absolutely the worst type. I don't give up on people and I always stay until they've completely f*cked up so bad, I have to let them go. I have to reach the breaking point to fully stop being friends with them. So I wear my heart on my sleeve and I get hurt often. I put myself out there and I wouldn't want it any other way.

For the past month, I've tried to understand why a certain person feels so toxic yet normal. At first, I tried to convince myself that I only liked the idea of him, but that was just me bullshitting myself. I guess it was hard because friends didn't see what I saw, and like the indecisive person that I am, other's people's opinion clouted my already confused judgment.

I'm naturally stubborn, I know part of me doesn't want to let go (no matter how toxic) because I feel this need to prove that I can change people. Maybe if I show them poetry, maybe if I'm the best friend they've ever had, maybe if I text them their daily horoscope, maybe if I get their favorite candy, maybe if I...

I think that if I pour my entire being into everything that I do, I can change it, and it usually works—on projects, not so well on people. It's exhausting being like this, in an environment that doesn't cater to my needs. Then I had this epiphany:

Part of the reason why I can't get over it, it's because he was so nice to me. But he wasn't nice to me, he was just well mannered. He does these things to everyone, and when you cook breakfast for everyone it doesn't mean shit!

There's a difference between someone wanting to do things for you because they care, and them just being polite and well mannered. It took having Michael come over and cook me dinner for me to fully grasp it. See when someone likes you, they usually do things that they wouldn't do to just anyone. They treat you a little better. They remember the things you like and sometimes get you little gifts that reminds them of you. This entire time, I liked the idea of thinking that because he did this and that he liked me; but then I would see him around his guy friends, and I'm pretty sure he was nicer to them than he was to me.

You can't be nice to everyone, because then it doesn't mean anything when you do nice things for others. If I bought everyone macaroons, I would no longer buy macaroons for the people I care about, I would just be doing it because I'm used to it. I'm not trying to say that you shouldn't have manners, just that by not knowing when someone is worth breakfast in bed, you're not going to feel anything when you do it for the right person. You're desensitizing yourself, and not allowing the moment to fully occur.

Remember your first day of school freshmen year? Remember how excited you were? By your third year, did you have that same rush of adrenaline? Probably not. It's the same thing. Try to save those moments for people that reciprocate that type of caring.