In that brief moment between waking and consciousness, I have peace. I am aware of being comfortable in my warm bed and of the sunshine pouring through the window.
But as soon as consciousness hits, so does the crashing tidal wave of anxiety.
Before I even open my eyes, my mind begins racing through the vast number of things I need to do for the day, trying to anticipate ways things could go wrong and how I could prevent them. I rehearse future conversations in my mind, attempting (and failing) to not picture the worst possible outcome. When these thoughts become too much to bear, I roll over and grab my phone, seeking temporary solace in the distraction of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Eventually, I run out of things to look at and realize that 30 minutes has passed, my heart starts racing with guilt, all that time I could have used to preparing something for my day. I calculate how much time I could feasibly stay in bed until I absolutely have to start getting ready. Because even if I wake up at 5:00 a.m., there is absolutely no chance of being able to fall back asleep again. Instead, I am faced with two and a half hours of ruminating thoughts.
Once I eventually make it out of bed, my morning routine becomes my savior. My time becomes mine alone.
There’s nothing else in the world I need to be doing other than washing my face.
Washing my hair with a new color-treated- hair shampoo makes me feel like I’m in the salon every morning. For me, it’s important to have really nice smelling body wash and shaving cream, as I allow myself to simply enjoy the vanilla and lavender scents. Never underestimate the relaxation power of shower aromatherapy. Then I experience the eternal struggle of not wanting to leave the warmth of the hot water for the icy tiled bathroom floor.
As I turn my attention to my face, I block out any thoughts about work. I apply toner, acne medication, facial moisturizer, primer, foundation, and makeup. With each step, my heart rate slows and my hands steady so as not to ruin my mascara. I open up Spotify and listen to some of my favorite playlists. Lately, I’ve been listening to the soundtrack from “The Greatest Showman.” If you ever need a strong, powerful motivation song, this soundtrack is chock full of them. I softly sing along with the lyrics:
“I am brave, I am bruised, I am who I’m meant to be, this is me.”
After assembling a quick outfit and heading out the door, I plug into one of my favorite podcasts called “The Story Collider.” During my morning commute, I listen to inspiring, funny, and challenging stories involving science. People’s stories of success, failure, and redemption inspire me, and that feeling remains with me right up to the moment I walk in the door at work.
While establishing a morning routine is not the cure-all for anxiety, and might not provide comfort to everyone, it has become a small yet significant part of my life. I am still working on other mental strategies for managing my anxiety in the mornings, but my routine will always provide me with comfort and a daily dose of self-empowerment.
