There must have been a barber convention at the Hotel California ("you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave") over the summer, because a man bun epidemic has befallen the university community.
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, and hide yo husbands 'cause they man-bunnin' everybody out here.
Unless you're getting down to business to defeat the Huns or playing for a professional soccer team, cut that thing off.
I'm no stranger to the man bun because it has been a thing for probably over a year now. It has been a common hairstyle among professional soccer players and men who can rock Capri pants for quite some time, but when I came back to school last week, I noticed an insane amount of people trying in vain to rock this bizarre hair style [sic].
In the same way that the business-in-the-front, party-in-the-back mullet of the 1990s says, "I like to keep it casual and also eat possum meat," the man bun says, "I strive to emulate present-day Shia LeBeouf, but I also don't have time to maintain a high standard of personal hygiene."
A lot of girls say "man buns are hot," but here is the fallacy—hot men are hot. If a hot man has a man bun, the man bun is hot. If the man is not, the bun is not. It's different from, say, facial hair or Chubbies, in that beards and booty shorts for men serve to enhance attractiveness—these can take a solid four to a strong eight in some cases.
The man bun, on the other hand, has the opposite effect. Just ask Leonardo DiCaprio.
The Oscar-deficient former heartthrob who used to be clean cute has fallen victim to both the dad bod and the man bun, and it is not cute.
Check out these guys.
The placement of these man buns is wrong, for one thing. It doesn't go on top of your head like the water vase the Indian homegirl from the "Jungle Book" rocks. It should go toward the back of the skull, lying superior to the occipital, for all you Anatomy & Physiology students. If you're going to subject those around you to the atrocity of your quarter-life crisis hair cut [sic], it should be the male equivalent of the female messy bun, not a terrible attempt at being the Black Swan.
Also, it does nothing to hide the neck beard or the fact that these individuals probably have a closet full of heavy metal band t-shirts, or the permeating sense that these dudes probably trade Yu-Gi-Oh! cards during lunch.
I've never been a man, but everyone loves having their hair played with (somebody has to tie that bun up for you, and you probably avoid doing it yourself, because God knows what sorts of dandruff and grease is in that hair of yours), and nobody likes having to pay for things like haircuts on a bi-weekly or monthly basis. While there is some economic and tactile logic behind the desire for a man bun, nothing is more relaxing than the scalp massage that comes with a $14 shampoo and style from Great Clips.
In my humble opinion, just as some said the UA Alpha Phi recruitment video was "worse for women than Donald Trump," the man bun is worse for men than a pair of plaid cargo shorts.
My advice to men who think they're "rocking the man bun" is this: take it down. Trash that deteriorating and sweat-soaked hair band you borrowed from your sister. Let down that hair, Rapunzel, and march your greasy head over to Woody's Barber Shop, and do us all a favor and ask for the high-and-tight. You'll thank me later.
