I've been doing a lot of reflecting lately, especially in the wake of events like Mac Miller's death, the beginning of a new year, and the formation of new relationships in my own life. If you're interested in my discoveries, keep reading. Either ignore or indulge my desperation for someone to relate to them.

Life, when viewed holistically, is best described as polarized. Your most memorable experiences are usually going to be moments you would die to relive and moments you'd rather die than experience twice. Simply, peaks of extreme joy and valleys of crushing sadness. That's not to say we should forget about the stuff in the middle of the spectrum. Shit's essential. Emotional middle ground will make or break you. Even though the positive and negative poles are immediately formative, the emotional middle ground silently compounds into general trends that will either leave you satisfied or disappointed.

True life: I am unsatisfied with the period of time between my twelfth and eighteenth birthdays, and I didn't understand how formative the ups, downs, and in-betweens of that period were until it was over, out of reach, and immune to improvement. It's like an impenetrable water balloon of shitty feelings. I didn't understand how much I was missing until the summer of my sixteenth year. My life became so shockingly wonderful that I knew I couldn't bear to let it go. I was living almost independently in my coastal hometown under the guidance of a supportive family friend, I worked at my favorite restaurant in the world, and I went to the beach every day. I had new friends, a sweet boyfriend, and all the freedom I could want. When summer ended (how many stories does that phrase ruin?), I tried everything to stay, but the powers that be wouldn't have it.

So then, instead of being blissfully ignorant of all the simple joys I didn't possess, I knew exactly how it felt to have everything you've ever wanted. There is no coming back from that. I found myself stuck back in my old routine of being in a town I hated, brutal winters (that I hated), and few moments of spiritual liberation. If you've ever been a 16-year-old and/or seen Big Mouth, you know that adolescence is complicated even without a crushing existential awareness of the shackles keeping you from being happy. The winter of last year was overwhelmingly the worst part of my life thus far. Interestingly, as I sit here typing, happier and freer than I've ever felt, a song is playing over the coffee shop speakers that I haven't heard since then. Is it the universe's sense of irony?

It's hard not to see these years as lost time, but maybe that's a good thing. As soon I graduated high school, I left that town and got straight to work on making up for the times I felt powerless and unhappy. Pure spite gave me a vengeful desire to do anything and everything I want, in less of a Disney villain way and more of an aggressive optimist way. My biggest challenge in life so far is probably to make peace with my water balloon. Having to look back at periods of your life with disappointment is a very real danger, so stay aware of every moment. Nobody can tell you what's best for you, and you can put that on my headstone.