Even long after the surge of discourse surrounding gun control, which, in some political circles, has surfaced the idea that kids shoot up schools because their parents don't spank them, people still seem to think that that idea is true. The new line of thought among many older adults is that it doesn't end at spanking: kids misbehave because their parents don't use an authoritarian parenting style.

The general thesis statement of authoritarian parenting, according to the adults who vouch for it, is this: you have to teach your kids from a young age to fear you, or else they'll never respect you. Going about this style of parenting ranges from basic things like not letting your kid have a lock on their bedroom door and not letting them keep their backpack in their bedroom to things that many people would consider abusive, like spanking them or slapping them as a form of punishment and rifling through their private things because “minors don't deserve privacy."

There are certain things about the authoritarian style of parenting that I don't have an issue with. I fully intend to not allow my kids to have a lock on their bedroom doors, and not letting them keep their backpacks in their rooms makes sense so that I can make sure they aren't sneaking things to school (or anywhere else). But I don't agree with the general claim of authoritarian parenting. I don't believe the idea that my kids will end up entitled and disrespectful if I don't do everything in my power to make them fear me.

I can guarantee you that if you're trying to make your kids fear you, that's all you're going to get: kids who fear you. They won't respect you. By forcing them to fear you, they will stop feeling safe to come to you with problems. They will hide things from you. You rifle through their drawers to find any secrets they're keeping, and they'll just find a new hiding spot. You tell them that you “have spies everywhere," making them afraid to open up to friends and family, and they'll bottle everything up. They will lie to you. You will create better liars. You will create people with trust issues.

You will end up with kids who hate you because you decided that making them fear you under the guise of “keeping them safe and making them respect you" was more important than making them feel like their concerns are valid and that they can come to you with anything. Who knows what's going to happen when they get themselves into an actual problem, and they'll be too afraid to come to you? Maybe you'll never know, because you were too busy making sure you were unapproachable, because that's apparently the only way kids will ever learn to respect their elders.

I'm not saying you have to give your kids free reign to do whatever they want. I'm not saying that they shouldn't have boundaries. I'm not saying that they shouldn't be punished when they knowingly do something wrong. However, they deserve to feel comfortable opening up to you. They deserve to feel heard. They deserve to feel like they can respect you and be friendly with you at the same time.

And that's not going to happen if you're too busy making sure they fear you.