To my loved one with dementia,
This is probably the toughest letter I’ve ever had to write. You mean so much to me and I already can’t stand seeing you in pain like this, let alone write what it’s like to experience. I’m not sure how to accurately depict what it’s really like to experience, but I’m going to try my best.
I’ve helped you through the falls when you lost control of your legs. Every night I’m there to help you get into bed because you can’t do it by yourself anymore. I’ve been there to hold your cup when you’re thirsty and wipe your nose when it’s runny. We’ve tried multiple ways to help your mind from playdough to going through photos and naming who’s who.
Watching you go through this has been one of the most heartbreaking experiences I’ve ever had. I think back to being a kid and all the memories I’ve had with you. I look at you now and can’t believe what this disease has done to the lively person I remember. I’ve watched you go from walking and moving without hesitation or pain, to not having control over your body. I’ve watched you talk and have conversations with me to barely being able to understand what you’re saying, although you try so hard. I’ve watched you, an intelligent and clever person, struggle to collect and connect your thoughts. I’ve watched your memory fade more and more. I’ve watched your independence almost completely disappear.
I have prayed a million times that I never see the day you forget my name or face. I’ve prayed that you will get to see my walk down the aisle and meet my children. I have asked so many times that you don’t forget me and to have you as a part of my life as long as possible. I didn’t know how I could live without you not remembering me. As the days, weeks, and months go by, I am realizing these may not be realistic things to ask for any more and I’ve also realized that that’s okay. I know you love me and you always will. Knowing that, I get through day by day.
I hope you know I have been by your side and I will continue to be here through this journey. I will always be there to hold your hand when it shakes. I will always be there to joke with you like the old times and put a smile on your face. I’ll do my best to understand what you’re saying and make sure you’re as comfortable as possible. More importantly, I won’t let this disorder affect how I see you. I still look into your pale blue eyes the same as I did before. I still mess around with you and talk to you like I would before. And you do the same for me. You give me those funny looks, say your clever sayings, and squeeze my hands as best you can. I will always remember these times we have, but it will not be the way I will remember you. You are more to me than this disorder. I love you all the same and nothing could ever change that.
