All throughout my life, I've been conditioned to love God, and to "have a relationship" with Him. And though I know I am loved by him (because I've heard it all my life), I couldn't help but wonder if I really felt loved or if it was just a taught concept I had learned by heart. Sometimes it's a reoccurring feeling, wondering how he loves me. I've always heard that he loved me enough to give his one and only son to die for my mistakes. And that is AMAZING, honestly. I kind of memorized that line though, and heard a million other people say it through the years, and all of a sudden it didn't feel personal anymore. It felt like a recited verse, that I felt forced to believe to feel accepted by my Christian family and friends. That feels so awful and ungrateful to type, but it's honestly how I felt for the longest time.
So not too long ago, I began to search for a more individualized way to feel wanted or pursued by Jesus. I've come across verses and quotes from the Bible and Pinterest lately, that have really shaped my perception of it all into a more positive light. I know I can't be the only one that's felt this way, so I wanted to share the things I've found.
The first source I went to was the most relevant, in my opinion- The Bible. I found verses telling me about God’s love towards me. To actually look them up and find them helped me to believe, versus assuming that what everyone tells me is automatically correct. I learned that His word is my safe place (Psalm 62:8), He has loved me at my darkest (Romans 5:8), He took the time and effort to make a significant plan for my life (Jeremiah 29:11), that He things about me (Psalm 139:17), and that He will never leave me. There are so many more things that He does past this too, that you’ll come to find if you just seek Him.
One of the most comforting things I've stumbled across is a quote that says, "You're loved." Sometimes you think about it and don't feel any change inside you, but that doesn't change how much God loves you." That is so powerful and relatable to me, it's crazy. There are days I wake up wanting to feel something powerful from the Holy Spirit inside of me, and I just don't feel very moved. That's really hard on me when I'm in a state of craving closeness to Jesus. I tend to blame myself, like, "Bailey, how could you not muster up all the love in your heart right this second for Jesus? What kind of Christian are you?". But the fact is Jesus' love for me never changes despite what I feel, or what's going on with me. It's on full force all the time.
My favorite thing about Jesus is the simple fact that he loves me and works inside of me, even if I do not realize it. Even when I'm caught up in the things of this world and I place God on the back burner, he is still always present working on me and loving me. He's always there, and I think that's the coolest thing. He's actively pursuing me, and trying to love me, whether I'm noticing or not, and that's true love for me. I don’t know any human being who can love like this. I think that is why it’s so hard for me to comprehend God’s love for me. I exist in a world where the norm is a “me first” mindset. This earth is not a place where anyone could possibly love like God does, so naturally, it doesn’t make sense to us. It’s pretty cool to have someone pursuing me with a love so strong that I can’t wrap my mind and heart all the way around it. That’s everyone’s dream and deepest desire, in my opinion.
God is so gracious. He puts up with all the things I do that don't bring much glory to him. I mess up so much, with countless different things. Yet he stands there patiently holding my hand through every mistake. When I feel burdened and troubled, he's there holding it all for me. He's brought me through so much, that I've struggled with and stayed right beside me through everything in my life. Even if he wasn't a part of my life, I have never once stopped being a part of his.That alone makes me feel like the most treasured girl in the whole world.
The part I love the most about all of this, is that I can feel intimate and close to Jesus, but His love is not exclusive. It spreads over and all around every single human. Everything He makes me feel (and even the things He does that I can’t see yet), He is also faithfully doing for every single person on the planet. This holds true whether they realize it or not. Meditate on that, and soak it in. Jesus’ love for us is so real, and the proof is everywhere. If you just choose to search, He will make himself clear to you.
