I remember the first time you made me cry. I felt the tears form in my heart before they ever reached my eyes. I told you I was in love with you, as much as I didn't want to admit it. I cried since I was scared and because it was beautiful nonetheless.
I then cried because you told me you loved me too.
I never wanted to let myself feel that way knowing the possibility of failure. I feared the heartbreak I had seen my whole life, but when I looked into your eyes, I couldn't help but fall.
And so I cried, allowing your promise of eternal love comfort my quivering heart.
I really did have faith in our "always." And I know you used to too. You told me once when you thought I was asleep. Your fingers ran through my hair and I listened as you whispered the word forever. You made me believe in infinity, in a love without loss. In the face of our passion, the fears that once held me back became obsolete.
I think it was in your eyes. You looked at me like I was all you could see, unaware of the smile that materialized as I met your gaze. If I close eyes I can almost taste the love I felt you radiate. No doubts, just a warmth that penetrated my soul. These memories that used to live in the brightest parts of my heart now reside in the pit of my stomach, along with them an aching I have yet to learn how to shake.
I don't know how to act nowadays. I don't know who to be to make you to look at me the way you used to. I don't know how to be something you miss. I've tried to ignore you but you're unaffected by my absence. Attempts at jealousy are met only by apathy. There are times I let go of my indifferent demeanor, using love, hoping you'll recognize the girl you once fell for. I reach out to tell you how special you are, how much I still care, thinking maybe you will realize you still feel that way too, but still my words not reciprocated.
The truth is you're fine without me. The love that once had you feeling for my attention, the love that conjured a constant need for my contact, the love that made you miss me minutes after we parted, no longer exists. I don't know where things changed for you. I've killed myself trying to pinpoint when it all went wrong, when I became someone you no longer cared to have. I don't think I will ever have answers to those questions and maybe that's okay. But in my heart I feel like perhaps if I knew, I would somehow be able to fix things.
I remember the last time you made me cry. I sat down to write you a letter and realized it had become a goodbye. There was a time when it hurt you to see me hurt; I guess when it becomes a regular occurrence it loses its impact. But still I cry. I cry because I feel so defeated. I cry because I've realized there's nothing I can do to make you want me if you don't. I cry because I'm not ready to let you go.
I would hold on forever if I could. Because in my mind you're still the boy in the bath, you're still my best friend, you're still my one. I have never once taken for granted the times we have had. Though painful now, I will always cherish the days we spent laughing, kissing, laying intertwined in each other and the love that we shared.
Those days are in the past I guess, but here in the present I still wish you only eternal happiness. I want you to have the whole world, even more than I want to be the one who gives it to you. I hope you find forever in yourself and fulfillment in all that comes your way. I am so proud to have been part of your story.
All my love, T
