7 years ago... *tick tick tick* the clock moves its hands slower and slower as each second past. Is this freedom I feel? Freedom from middle school but not from my thoughts. *Clip clop clip clop* the sound of my steps roll off my feet like a rain drop rolling down a window. When will I ever love myself? *Splish Splash* my naked body wades into the boiling hot tub, shoulders and back. Try to relax. One breath in and then.
"You are soo F*CKING fat!!!"
"Why can't you just cut that sh*t off?"
"Nobody will ever love you because your face is full of pimples are your body doesn't look like all the other girls."
"WHY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING."
*Bloop bloop* a small bubble current forms as I sink my head lower into the boiling water, my eyes filled with tears. My hands gripping my fat until it feels cold from the loss of circulation. When will I ever love myself?
Present... *BEEP BEEP* Rolling over in my peaceful sleep, getting up ready to start my day. Sitting on the toilet checking my phone, and then sometimes making breakfast while jamming out to some music. Wandering around looking for my things, and I see her. I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and I smile. I embrace my curves with my hands and stare them down with pride. I whisper to myself "I love myself."
That girl wading in the bath tub 7 years ago was far from fat, she was struggling with balancing her love for food and the growing fad of not eating at all. She was battling the inner demons that twisted the words of so many kind and supportive people, that just wanted the best for me. Unfortunately this was a battle I had to fight alone, it took me five of those seven years to love myself. Five years of looking in the mirror everyday and trying to pull myself together enough to say those words "I love myself." I couldn't do it. I either felt guilty or ashamed or ugly or fat or just stupid for thinking that loving myself was even remotely important. BUT IT IS.
Loving yourself is seen in this world as selfish and sinful. When in reality, loving yourself is the first step to becoming ready to fully love someone else. Loving yourself is accepting your past, present, and future. Realizing that all the sh*t that you've been through in the past is only going to become more challenging in the future, and that you might as well accept both and just let it all happen. You cannot control your past, present, or future. Yes, you can say certain things and look a certain way, but fate will find you. Fate is waiting for everyone, and we should be fearlessly waiting for it.
Yes, I wake up everyday and quietly tell myself that "I love myself" and that's okay. Because the things I've done in the past are things that have taught me to be who I am today. And the future is always looming, but I'm choosing not to worry about it. I know it'll all work out in the end. So I encourage you to love yourself because we are all made beautiful just the way we are.
