I feel obligated to start with a quick apology. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for all those times I treated you like you were only a vehicle for cream cheese. I’m sorry for the times I left you in the toaster oven too long, burning you beyond repair. And, most of all, I’m sorry that I don’t love you enough to eat you for every meal. (I love you a lot, okay, but not enough to start an all-carb diet.)
I, like many millennials now forced to transition into adulthood, have come to accept my mistakes and hopefully, I will begin to learn from them. It was wrong of me to assume your only function was as a vessel for my favorite condiment and to carelessly forget you in our faulty kitchen appliance until it was too late.
Now, with all our qualms out in the open, I can finally say what everyone is always thinking: bagels, what would we do without you? You have the ability to turn every breakfast into a better-than-average meal, simply by filling up a small fraction of my fridge space. You’re just as tasty as a great pancake but half the hassle. Of all the breakfast foods, you are the most versatile, the most comforting, the quickest to prepare. On top of that, I can easily hold you in one hand, making you the perfect companion on any daily morning adventure.
There’s a reason why every article titled “The History of Bagels” isn’t really a history at all, but, as Ari Weinzweig says, an uplifting tale of how a simple, round bread can “pull us through hard times, dreams, visions, organizational development, good luck, and good food.” To put it simply, humanity’s relationship with you is a love story.
Even though you started your existence in 15th century Poland, you have since spread across the world and worked your way into our hearts. While circular bread had long been a staple of a diverse array of cultures—both the Romans and the ancient Egyptians had their own variations—you have best survived the test of time. Jewish immigrants were the first to bring you to America, opening their own bakeries in New York City as a way of satisfying their homesickness. They probably didn’t intend for the entire country to fall in love.
And fall in love they did. How could anyone resist your golden crust, your chewy yet satisfying texture, your distinctive flavor? How could anyone resist you after the first bite?
Maybe I’m too quick to judge. Maybe bagels aren’t everyone’s cup of tea. There are those with gluten allergies, lactose intolerance and those who are simply living in ignorance. Don’t worry, I love you enough for all of them. I adore you with or without cream cheese, lox or not, as a pizza or a sandwich or just as is. I will gladly accept you even if you’re a little underdone or burned around the edges. To me, you are perfect.
In conclusion: bagels, I love you. I love you always, eternally, ceaselessly, in all your forms.
Except you, cinnamon raisin bagels. Not really a fan.
