I have always been a hopeless romantic. Anyone who knows me knows how highly I value love of every kind--friendship, family, love for careers, love for hobbies, relationships. For as long as I can remember I've had a simultaneous need for, and fear of love. I want so badly to love and be loved, but the second that I feel that someone feels something strongly for me, I go into flight mode. There have been so many men who have shaped me, and men who have quickly entered and exited my life. However, regardless of how things ended, each of them has had an effect on me, one way or another. A few in particular have left their marks more than the others.

The guy who I thought I loved:

In 9th grade I became unbelievably infatuated with a boy. I wanted so badly to be his girlfriend and our friendship had it's ups and downs. We were both so young and didn't know how to act around each other. After almost a year of talking I thought that maybe this was it, that we would finally work out after too many sessions of uncertainty on each side. This was the first boy to break my heart. He led me on in every way thinkable and lied in a way that to this day, still seems incredibly cowardly and selfish. Rather than being honest about what was going on, he pretended that we might be together, rather than telling me that he already was with someone. Eight years later and I can still remember calling my best friend when I found out the truth, crying, heartbroken, and feeling like someone had taken the air out of my lungs. I can still feel the ache that overcame me when he finally admitted what was truly going on. I felt so much betrayal--but that faded in time. I think back and it no longer hurts and I can see this guy and smile, rather than feel anger. This man taught me to be confident. I wasted so much time being unsure of myself when I should have just been up front about my feelings from the start. He taught me that it's better to risk making a fool of yourself, than to live with regret.

The first love:

I swore at 16 years old I had found the love of my life. I was naive, I didn't have a clue how hard relationships truly were, and we were so incredibly immature. He made me feel something that no one else ever had. He made me feel loved and wanted and I was happier than I ever had been before. Being so happy was terrifying--I didn't know how to be content with the now--I was too concerned about the future and what might happen. I spent the majority of our relationship clinging on so tightly, afraid that if I loosened my grip he would slip away, along with this newfound happiness, which had accompanied his entrance into my life. I look back and desire to tell my teen self to relax, to enjoy the moment, to realize that it probably wouldn't work as we were only kids, but that didn't mean I had to be so terrified of losing it--that I would find it again one day. This taught me to not be so afraid of losing love. It taught me that loving someone doesn't need to be so serious--it can be silly, fun, and in the moment.

The boy my friends told me to stay away from:

He was the first guy I tried to date after my first love. Every single friend who knew of him told me he was bad news. He kept telling me that he wanted to be with me and then would change his mind and end things the next day. He did this multiple times but I wanted to see the good in him, to believe him when he said that this time was different. I wanted us to be something more than we were and he just wanted me to be a placeholder for the woman he really wanted to be with. He showed me that sometimes we choose to see the best in people, but others may be able to see something we can't. He also showed me that sometimes we want someone to be something they're not, we want to believe they are the person we want them to be.

The one I thought I'd marry:

Loving him was a whole new level of happiness. It was my first "adult" relationship and I truly felt that it would last forever. I had never known not only such unbelievable love, but also such a content feeling. I remember a feeling from the start that life as I knew it had changed, and it was everything I had ever wanted and so much more. Until it wasn't. When I began having doubts it broke his heart, which was utterly unbearable. I hated that I hurt him but I also hated that I was simultaneously hurting myself. Being with him was something unlike what I had ever known, but for some reason it didn't feel like enough anymore. I felt unready to be in such a committed relationship, like the timing wasn't right, and even worse--like the guy wasn't right. This was a lesson I needed to know so badly, as much as I wanted him to be the guy for me, I learned that sometimes we love people but aren't meant to be with them. I found that in order to find love you need to really listen to your gut, and in order to tell if someone is right for you it can't just be perfect on paper, it has to feel right for you.

The mistake:

He is my biggest mistake in life. There is nothing I regret to the same extent as him and I truly wish that I knew what good had come from him, if any. I allowed a man to be more to me than he deserved. I allowed myself to believe that someone who wanted me to be a secret, was worth my time. He made me feel unworthy of love and more so than that, he made me feel the lowest I have ever felt in my life. He constantly put me down and made me think poorly of myself. He would say one thing and do another, and I wanted to believe his words as they sounded so good. If I could take back anything in my life it would be him, as he is the man everyone told me he was, but I wanted to believe that he was who he claimed to be. A year later and I am still learning from this mistake, but the biggest thing I've learned is that we are harder on ourselves than anybody else can be. I have regretted him every single day since and will continue doing so--but I've learned that I can't keep punishing myself. I've learned that I have paid over and over again for my poor judgment and one mistake does not determine who I am as a person.

They say that you need to kiss a lot of frogs, and I don't believe it's entirely built on finding the 'right' person. I believe that part of is absolutely to figure out who you want to be with in the long run, but it's also about learning lessons and finding out more about yourself. There have been more dates, crushes, and relationships over my life than I'd care to admit, but at the end of the day every single one of them have taught me something that has formed me into the person I am today. Each of them has also brought me one step closer to the guy who will make all of the lessons feel beyond worth it.