It was a wonderful crisp night, my father, brother, and I all packed into the van and drove off to our local cinema. It was Christmas night, and we had just left our grandparents' condo. For Christmas, I had bought my father and brother tickets to go see "Star Wars: Rogue One" with me and they were hyped. Star Wars was a big thing for us, especially for my dad, who had seen the first one back in 77' over 20 times. He even hobbled into the opening night showing of "Episode VII" just two days after a total knee replacement surgery. Needless to say, we were excited.
I made us get there nearly 90 minutes before because seats were not reserved and I DID NOT want to have crappy seats. Turns out that was a dumb decision because the doors didn't open until about 20 minutes before the screening anyway, but nonetheless we had solid seats right in the center of the theater. I had my Twizzlers and soda and I was ready for some kick-ass Star Wars.
Then it happened.
10 minutes into the movie I hear something. At first, I didn't understand it, what it was. Then there was a quiet, emotional scene, almost near silence. Except the man snoring a few rows down and to the left of me. When it was blatantly obvious his family of four or five woke him up, but that did not stop this massive man from falling asleep. Suddenly the entire movie was ruined for me. I could not focus on anything else but this man's snoring. I struggled the whole night with whether or not to say something, but I didn't want to ruin other people's movie, but it was already being ruined by this asshole. And so all the way until the credits he snored and snored and eventually his family just gave up. No one seemed to care except for me. As if I paid $12 ($36 if you count the tickets I bought for my brother and dad) to sit and listen to someone snore over the movie and wanted this to happen. Once the movie was over and everyone was leaving I was heated, I said somethings out loud, they heard me, brushed it off and walked away. Meanwhile, apparently, my brother and dad didn't hear it all, which is total bullshit but whatever.
I'll say this once, and only once. When you're watching a movie in a public theater with other people, SHUT UP.
I know what you might be saying, "look it's Christmas, maybe the guy was tired after a whole day with his kids and family and just wanted to have a moment to rest while entertaining his family." I don't buy it. If you're tired, GO HOME, GO TO BED. Do not come to a dimly lit room and snore in front of 50-100 other people who paid good money to sit and watch a movie. And his entire family is just as terrible for letting it happen the entire movie. If I had brought someone to a movie, whether it be my dad, mom, brother, girlfriend, Obama, literally anyone, and they started snoring, I would wake them up and tell them to wait in the car. There's no place for that in the theater.
But snoring dad's aren't the only problem in theaters. You know what I'm talking about: those damn teenagers. If you are a teenager and going to a movie, please understand that everyone else instantly hates you as soon as you sit down. Because you can't help but be an obnoxious, loud, rude, piece of annoyingness. This past summer my girlfriend and I went to see Now You See Me 2 and it was literally us, and older lady, and three kids that sat right behind us. They constantly kept getting up, leaving the room, coming back in, talking, doing literally everything possible but sit and watch the movie. Finally, one of us broke. My girlfriend (bless her soul) got up, turned around, and told them to shut up. They stopped.
The movie theater is not your little hangout to talk and be on your phone, it's not your couch to fall asleep and snore on, it's a place to sit and enjoy a piece of film.
Now I understand there is a fine line. Little kids like movies and little kids have no manners or understand good behavior (and their parents certainly don't tell them to be quiet). So if I see "Secret Life of Pets" at noon, I'm going to be sitting next to a little girl who wants to sing every song in the movie and tell her mom every time a dog comes on screen (this is a true story). But I can't get mad at that, I am in the little kid's territory, that movie isn't for me and honestly "Secret Life of Pets" isn't exactly a cinematic masterpiece (I went with my mother). But when I'm seeing "Dawn of the Planet of the Apes" at 11 o'clock at night and the kid in the row in front of me says something every time a monkey shows up on screen, I'm going to have a problem with it (and I said something). That kid shouldn't even be at that movie, and I'm not letting him ruin it for me.
Of course, when you see trash movies like Transformers, I honestly might be more interested in what's happening off-screen. But when I'm watching "Inception," or "The Revenant," I am deeply engrossed in the film. The score, the cinematography, the acting, all of it. I want to be sucked in and I don't want let go until the credits roll. Some might say I'm taking it all too seriously, but it's what I love about films and there's simply no way to replicate the experience you get when seeing a film on the big screen with a theater quality sound system.
Since seeing Star Wars I've made a pledge to myself. I'm not putting up with it anymore. Because I've found that once someone is told to shut up, they usually do. So I'm coming for you, movie ruiners. Never again will you ruin another movie I pay way too much to see. I'll give you a stern look. I'll tell you to shut up. Then I'll call you out in front of everyone (because I know I'm never alone in this). And if you keep going, I'll be that guy, I'll get the manager and I'll enjoy the rest of my movie with you in it. I will die on this crusade if I have to, because I will not let you rude people ruin these fun things we enjoy seeing. With "Baby Driver," "Spider-Man," "Dunkirk," "War for the Planet of the Apes," and "Dark Tower" coming out over the next few weeks I'm going be in the theater and on patrol. This is a call to all movie goers to shut down this funny business when you see it. Let's start a legion of diligent film watchers who don't put up with bullshit. The movie theater should be a quiet place with the occasional laugh or maybe, MAYBE, cheer.
Other than that please, for the love of God, shut up.