I Love College, But I Miss My Life Before College

I Love College, But I Miss My Life Before College

Life before college was easy.
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The thought of college actually aways really scared me, the thought of packing up all of your stuff and moving away to practically live in a room with a bunch of strangers. Sure, college has its glorious parts like the parties and being away from parents nagging on you and, of course, it's a fresh start, but for some of us, fresh starts are hard to comprehend.

I miss my everyday routine. Waking up earlier and going to classes for a longer time sounds like a ridiculous request, but high school was fun at times. Sure it's much nicer now to pick when you go to class and have breaks in between classes to nap, but there's nothing like knowing every single person's name in your class and maybe knowing a little bit about them too. I miss seeing familiar faces everywhere I look. Now, it's a shock if you even see someone from a class you have every other day walking on campus.

I miss coming home to things waiting for me like my dog with his tail wagging or a warm meal on the table that might even be a little cold by the time I eat it. In college, all you'll get waiting for you is the loads and loads of homework piling up or you could get the loads of dirty clothes you left on the floor because you don't even have the time to pick them up.

I miss the comfort of my own home. NOTHING is as homey as the house that you grew up in, and you won't realize this enough until you're away from it. I miss how comfortable my bed really is, no twin size, mattress pad or twin XL comforter will ever be comparable to sleep in at that level of comfort. I miss the feeling of showering without flip flops and on a time limit. No hard, unsoftened water shower in college will ever make you feel as clean as the one in your own home.

I miss my clique. Some of us have been blessed to have found an amazing friend group in high school. College creates such a distance, besides location, between you and your friends. You may be so used to talking on the daily and sharing every detail with your close friends, you may have even made a promise to talk every Tuesday at 2 p.m.; however, life gets crazy and that every week thing turns into every other week and eventually we find ourselves getting lost, not even knowing what was said last to them.

I miss the little things that I don't get to do in college. I miss being able to drive and being so familiar in my town that I lose focus on the actual task of driving and find myself in my own little world. I miss being able to go to any destination I want when I want, like the mall or to get a specific food. I miss being able to spend my time how I want it and not feeling stuck.

I miss the familiarity of everything. Days go by and months go by and soon years will go by. College is a large part of our lives; it changes us. It changes our routines, our comfort zones and just about every little aspect of our lives will soon change. It's so easy to get caught up in these things and let our minds be stuck on what life was like before this whole universe existed. But soon in four or a few more years our lives will be completely flipped again and we have to trust that all of those things before this life will either go back to how they were or they will be even better.

At the end of the day, college gives you so much, even when it's hard to see at times, college is a pretty weird/cool thing.

Cover Image Credit: Sierra Gardner

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When You Make A Girl An Aunt, You Change Her World In All The Best Ways

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the happiest girl in the world.

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My brother and his wife recently blessed our family with the sweetest bundle of joy on planet earth. OK, I may be a little bias but I believe it to be completely true. I have never been baby crazy, but this sweet-cheeked angel is the only exception. I am at an age where I do not want children yet, but being able to love on my nephew like he is my own is so satisfying.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her a very protective person.

From making sure the car seat is strapped in properly before every trip, to watching baby boy breathe while he sleeps, you'll never meet someone, besides mommy and daddy of course, who is more concerned with the safety of that little person than me.

When you make a girl an aunt, you give her a miniature best friend.

There is something about an aunt that is so fun. An aunt is a person you go to when you think you're in trouble or when you want something mom and dad said you couldn't have. An aunt is someone who takes you to get ice cream and play in the park to cool down after having a temper tantrum. I can't wait to be the one he runs to.

When you make a girl an aunt, she gets to skip on the difficulty of disciplining.

Being an aunt means you get to be fun. Not to say I wouldn't correct my nephew if he were behaving poorly, but for the most part, I get to giggle and play and leave the hard stuff for my brother.

When you make a girl an aunt, you give her the best listening ears.

As of right now I only listen to the sweet coos and hungry cries but I am fully prepared to listen to all the problems in his life in the future.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the best advice giver.

By the time my nephew needs advice, hopefully, I will have all of my life lessons perfected into relatable stories.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her a number-one fan

Anything you do in life sweet boy, I will be cheering you on. I already know you are going to do great things.

When you make a girl an aunt, she learns what true love is.

The love I have for my nephew is so pure. Its the love that is just there. I don't have to choose to show love every day, I don't have to forgive, I don't have to worry if it is reciprocated, it is just there.

When you make a girl an aunt, you make her the happiest person in the world.

I cannot wait to watch my precious nephew grow into the amazing person that I know he is going to be.

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I Wonder If You'd Be Proud of Me

Or if you even think of me at all.

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I wonder if you'd be proud of me.

My first thought when I wake up in the morning is whether or not you still think of me. I think about if I am wearing the right outfit if I were to see you that day. I think about if I am saying the right thing for you to want to want me again.

Throughout my day, I think about whether or not you're happy. I wonder if the feeling in my heart of missing who I thought you were is making its way to you. Sometimes I think about what I did to make you hate me as much as you do.

Sometimes when things get really hard, I think about picking up the phone to call you. Time keeps passing from the last time I saw you and during that time I've painted a picture of you that would probably only disappoint me in the end. Your phone number still sits in my phone and I go to your contact, wanting to call, but knowing that at the other end is not the person I used to know.

I wonder if you watch me. I wonder if the posts I make, pictures I post, and articles I write are viewed by you and whether or not you care to even search my name. I wonder if you ask people about me or if you care to know the person I am today.

Without you, I have changed. It has been two years and though time will only continue moving on without you, I wonder what would have happened if I didn't make the choices I made to make you react in the way you have.

When the sun shines bright on the flowers blooming around campus, I think of your jokes and sarcastic wit. When the rain pours from the sky and keeps me imprisoned within the walls of a building, I think of ways I felt imprisoned by you. When clouds form shapes in the sky that I can make stories out of, I think of the way life could've been.

Sometimes I write to you. They are the letters I can never send because I have to remind myself that though we knew each other once, you do not know me anymore. The picture in my mind of who you are now is someone who'd love me with open arms, but I know that there's no truth in that. It's only my wishful thinking out to break my heart once more.

I wonder if you hear me when I try talking to you. I wonder if the words I tell God are making their way to you as you go on living the life we always talked about when times get tough. I wonder if you're talking to God about me.

As I watch the sunset, I think about the last moment I was with you. As that chapter ended, I was only wishfully thinking that walking away would save me from further pain. In the end, I don't know about how life would've been different had it not happened.

When my picture of you gets too bright and I share it with others, I am reminded of reality. The screaming, crying, pushing, shoving, and hitting touches my skin once more in the form of flashbacks that push me further down into the depths of a depression. I am reminded of the hundreds of suicidal thoughts and letters that I've written once before.

No matter what, my heart still yearns for a hug. A hug where I can bury myself into your body and feel safe. A hug where I forget every worry in my mind and focus solely on the love.

I wonder if you'd still love me if I changed myself to be the person you've always wanted me to be. I wonder if you'd forgive me for walking away, even if it was for me to change to be a better person. I wonder if you'll ever even read this.

Days like today, I want to go back in time. I sit on the benches around campus and look up at the sky, down at the cars passing by, and listen to life move on all around me as I remain stuck. I hear people talking, see them laughing, and wonder if there's any way I could one day feel as alive as they do.

The truth is that I was never enough for you. No matter how much I changed, kept notes of what you liked so I could be like that, or just kept my head down and moved silently, nothing was ever enough.

No matter what, though, I still yearn to be loved in the way that I picture you should've loved me. Closure does not exist. You were the ones who were supposed to hold me down. But now I am nothing to you...I was always nothing to you.

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