I came across an article the other day written by Anthony D’Ambrosio that intrigued me. He writes for the Asbury Park Press (NJ). I will admit that my track record in the relationship department is not the greatest--not that I have had many serious relationships in my lifetime or relationships at all for that matter. I can count them on one hand. Seriously. And, I know what you are thinking. But, I grew up old-school, self-respect very much intact. I date in hopes of it becoming a serious relationship, in hopes to settle down and build a family together, not for one physical attraction. And, at twenty-seven, a girl starts to think. I have yet to have a successful relationship. During an argument, I always felt like I did not have what it takes to successfully get through said argument. Inadequate tools, ineffective communication skills, and a lack of experience will do that to you. Now I know, and if it is one thing I have learned in life, it is that with experience comes wisdom, not age. The more I experience, the more I am outside of my comfort zone, the more I learn about myself and about life. This article intrigues me for the simple reason that Anthony D’Ambrosio says that, “Our generation isn’t equipped to handle marriages” and goes on to explain five reasons why. And, I am sitting here the whole time thinking it was just me who felt inadequate about making relationships work!

1. "Sex becomes almost non-existent.”

He basically explains how couples do not spend time making love to each other as much as they used to. The intimacy levels have decreased tremendously because of how available sex is. Let’s face it, America, there are sexual innuendoes in every tabloid. It is on every billboard here in NYC. NYC is crawling with beautiful men and women, of all races, ages, and sizes. However, if you are a female like me whose fashion sense is practical and comfortable, most men just assume you are one of two things--that you are either attracted to other females or are far from ladylike. I have guy friends who deny they even have a type, but evidently, I see a pattern in the women they are attracted to. The same guys whose social media is filled with single females who are their type. Some of whom are females they have had a history with, and some of whose pictures they are constantly viewing, commenting on, and liking. I am observant, and when I see patterns I start to take notes. (Hey, I’m an anthropologist minor, I cannot help it). After all, we are attracted to who we are attracted to, and there is no helping it. Social media makes it that much easier to get into contact with those interests and old flames. Sex is easier to get today than back in the day when our parents and grandparents were growing up. Sex being so readily available makes love so much harder to find. D’Ambrosio says, “ Maybe if you felt that connection beyond a physical level, [then] would you realize a sexual attraction you've never felt before."

D’Ambrosio could not have said it any better, claiming that “it's no wonder why insecurities loom so largely these days. You have to be perfect to keep someone attracted to you." The essence of our being human is the fact that we are extremely flawed. No matter how hard we try to be, we will never be perfect. There is no standardized perfect. We are only setting ourselves up for failure! How about all the young men and women who think that their worth is tied to how much someone is attracted to them? Either, you are going to accept me for who I am, or you are going to move onto the next one, and visa versa. No exceptions.

2. "Finances cripple us.”

Well, I am sure we are all aware that the cost of living has increased, but our paychecks have not, making it difficult to sufficiently live these days. Both individuals in the relationship must work to keep things afloat. God forbid, you get hurt and cannot work for a couple of months while you recover, and do not have an emergency fund. And, more times than not, both individuals are coming into the relationship with prior financial obligations, e.g student loans--unless they had a scholarship or financially stable parents. Now, imagine getting a place together, with all the financial obligations you, as one person, already have. You just added living expenses for two: laundry, utilities, food, etc. to the list. Finding a job that will allow you to live sufficiently, as one person, is incredibly hard, never mind one that supports two people. Therefore, relying on your significant other to pick up the slack alone is incredibly difficult and can lead to a lot of friction in your relationship. Dealing with financial crises as an individual is already a high-stress situation, never mind when it is two people are who stressed out at the same time. It is in these situations where you see people’s true colors and how they handle frustrations, and most of the time it is not so pretty. But, it is vital and either you are going to work as a team, or you are not. Evidently, it is situations like these which can make or break a relationship. Trust me, I know. Especially, if one individual in the relationship cannot afford their fair share, it causes resentment. Even when they do stuff around the house like cleaning, cooking, and picking up the other kind of slack. It is a really sticky situation to be in, but that is why love is only half the battle, as they say.

3. "We're more connected than ever before, but completely disconnected at the same time.”

This one is self-explanatory – smartphones and other mobile devices have changed the way we connect to people. “We've developed relationships with things” in how we now opt to communicate with our loved ones through text messages, rather than in person or even over the phone. We often prefer the convenience of sending a quick text message versus being on the phone and hearing their voices. I am a culprit of text messaging, and being on my phone when around people. I will also admit that I hate talking on the phone. I would much rather talk in person, face to face, than over the phone. I have been weaning off my phone, slowly but surely, because I see the impact it has had on how I connect with those around me. It feels so much better to talk with people face to face, to see their reaction and hear their voice, especially when they are upset, sad or angry.

Obviously, if your loved ones are long distance, then talking on the phone, text messaging, is necessary to maintain contact. Your significant other could start feeling ignored when you are constantly on your phone in their presence. They deserve your undivided attention, and they deserve to feel cared for and loved. I would rather put my phone away, and pay attention to those around me. After all, we do not know what kind of battles people are facing. Create a dialogue, do something together, or I have an even better one, create something together. If you are bored by their presence, if you would rather be alone on your phone, than do that. Do not take someone’s presence for granted; they might be here today, but gone tomorrow.

We all hear about how so and so’s grandparents just celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary, or have been together for that long, and some of us want that kind of relationship. Some of us have never seen that kind of commitment, especially when they are both happy. D’Ambrosio gives the best rebuttal:

“You want to know why your grandmother and grandfather just celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary? Because they weren't scrolling through Instagram worrying about what John ate for dinner. They weren't on Facebook criticizing others. They weren't on vacation sending Snapchats to their friends.

No.

They were too preoccupied loving and respecting one another. They were talking to each other at dinner, walking with each other holding hands instead of their phones. They weren't distracted by everything around them. They had dreams and chased them together.”

Let that marinate in your brain for a minute. I’ll wait…

Did you let that sink in for a minute? Did you gain a new perspective? I know I sure did when I read it for the first time. I don't encourage people to criticize others on facebook and have criticized those who do it. First, why judge someone you don't even know--especially if you are like the person who says "they don't even know me, why are they judging me?" or my favorite--"only God can judge me" but then proceed to talk smack about everyone they see?

4. "Our desire for attention outweighs our desire to be loved”

D’Ambrosio makes another valid point and interesting point here since only recently have both men and women been accused of being attention chasers; in that, they are both constantly chasing the spotlight. Women for centuries were the center of the spotlight in paintings, photography, and movies. She walks across the room, and everybody stops and stares at her. Many people I know enjoy uploading things up on social media to see how many likes they will get. I wonder who is weighing their worth by how many people like it? There is no way you are going to keep one person in your life when you seek the attention of thousands of others. I always saw wanting attention from others as wanting their approval in some way. I see it only one way--I want to keep my significant other’s attention, and I want him to keep mine. Should he refuse to give me his full undivided attention, like I reciprocate to him, because he is too busy desiring attention from outside sources, I make sure I make him feel my absence. No sense in chasing people around, I’m too old for this shit (in the words of Sargent Murdock played by Danny Glover). Either they have what it takes and want to make it work, or they do not. Either way, I have the option to stay or to go. There is a saying in Italian that my Nonno and Ma used to always tell me, Meglio sola che male accompagnata, which roughly translates to Better alone than in bad company. Thanks, Nonno and Ma for the words of wisdom.

5. "Social media just invited a few thousand people into bed with you.”

Checking into places to use their Wi-Fi, or checking into places every time you go somewhere to show people you are where you are, has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I have seen. If you are more concerned about making sure people know you are having this wonderful time, versus enjoying that wonderful time with your significant other, then you might have to re-think your priorities. Hey, occasionally, I like to share moments on social media, because they have inspired me or impressed me in some sort of way. I am a foodie, and I like taking pictures of what I am about to tuck into to. I mean, who does not like food?! However, I am a little leery when it comes to social media, you do not know who can view this information or not, even if you have your settings set to “Private” or whatever. Stalkers. People with bad intentions. I have nothing to hide from good people, but I do have things to hide from bad people. Where there is a will, there is a way, and bad people do bad things to us based on the information we share.

I have interacted with many successful couples, I tried to analyze what qualities had made them so successful. Things I have noticed: as individuals, they are whole people, and together they make two wholes. They are great by themselves, but together they are a force. They spend time together, but also spend time separate from each other; they have their own set of friends, and their own set of hobbies. They make the most of their differences; they communicate effectively and productively. As a team, they have a practical idea of what a committed relationship is like, and they work together to build it. Most importantly, I noticed that they have a strong mutual respect for each other. They treat each other as equals; no one was jealous or resented the other, when feelings were hurt, it was discussed and squashed. They know that respect and honesty are a priority in a relationship. There are no secrets and no lies. They do not take each other for granted and appreciate what the other puts on the table. They know that asking someone to give their 100 every day is unrealistic, but they both come from a loving place, and they both show continuous effort. They also know that some issues cannot be resolved no matter how hard they try, after all, we are all humans, we do not have the answers to everything.

Love is a beautiful thing, and being lucky enough to share it with someone is extraordinary. So, to anyone out there that is in a relationship, or currently single, I hope this article shines as much light on this topic for you, as it has for me! In the wise words of Notorious B.I.G, spread love it's the Brooklyn way.

You can read Anthony D’Ambrosio’s article in its entirety at http://www.app.com/story/life/family/relationships...