I was eighteen and naive when I got into my first serious relationship. Back then I had no idea just how evil some people can be even though I have seen very few examples of healthy, loving relationships. Truthfully, I never thought I would get caught up in someone's web of lies and deceit. I thought I was better than that. I thought I was stronger. I was wrong.
Reflecting on this relationship is hard for me. There are so many red flags I avoided, and so, so many warnings from my friends and family I ignored. There were a couple of times I was strong enough to say, "I'm done with this." Somehow I was roped into staying, convinced that I was the one overreacting or that things would get better. It took me three years to let go of this person.
To keep it short and simple, I was cheated on several times. I was lied to...constantly. When I confronted my ex about these lies, I was gaslighted. He either tried to alter my perception of reality or would flat out deny his actions, even when I had solid proof. Many times he would blame me and make me feel like whatever he had done was my fault. And I was so frequently made to believe I was crazy, overemotional, and too sensitive. He even caused a rift between my mother and me; we didn't talk for almost a year. I can't count the number of panic attacks, the phone calls made to my friends through sobs, and the nights I stayed awake instead of sleeping because my dreams were haunted by him hurting me in the most heart-wrenching ways he knew how.
Even when he broke up, he saw me talking to someone online and proceeded to blow up my phone and tell me that I'm the reason we'll never get back together. He slut-shamed me and make me feel bad for trying to move on with my life over a month after we had broken up when he himself had already been with other girls. He and his friends harassed me online for months, mostly anonymously. They called me a liar, accusing me of making up the story of my emotional abuse. I got dozens, probably hundreds, of messages telling me I was just trying to ruin his reputation and that he had done nothing wrong.
This relationship took everything out of me emotionally. I was drained. I spent so many nights bawling my eyes out wondering what I did to deserve this from the person I thought I was so deeply in love with and why I wasn't good enough. But I realized one day that I didn't love him. He had made me so emotionally dependent on him that I confused it with love. This realization didn't take the hurt away. There is one thing, one person, that did.
After my catastrophic relationship with my ex, I was a little more than half convinced that love wasn't real. My boyfriend has changed my mind about that entirely. We've been together a little under six months but everything is good with him. It's more than good, actually. I never thought I'd be with someone who treats me the way he does. I didn't believe I was deserving of it.
He apologizes when he's done or said something to hurt my feelings, which is never intentional, and they are always sincere. He reassures me constantly and never complains about it. My boyfriend knows that after someone breaking my trust repeatedly, I need for him to tell me he loves me and he cares. I don't get the gut feeling that something is wrong when he leaves, because I know he's going where he says he is. I don't have to wonder if he's lying to me about where he is or who he's with. I know that he is committed to me and that I have nothing to worry about.
When I'm sad, he's there to comfort me and I can see that my sorrows hurt him too. My depressive episodes can get pretty severe and honestly I don't know how I made it through them before him. His bubbly personality and pure love for me makes all my bad days brighter. When I'm happy, he's there to share those moments and he's constantly making sure I'm well taken care of. My boyfriend even makes an effort to see my family, something my ex never did. We spend holidays with both of our families and I don't have to sacrifice time with my family for his. He goes above and beyond for me and I don't even have to ask him to. I never have to beg or plead for him to treat me right. He just does it. I could gush about him all day.
While the things he does for me should be the standard, I was used to getting less than the bare minimum. Now I'm in a relationship where I am comfortable. I feel secure. Even when my irrational mind gets the better of me, I know my boyfriend would rather die than do something to hurt me or break my trust in him. When I have even the slightest inkling of doubt, he's there to make me wonder why I even worried to begin with. Before him I didn't think I would find love, but he is a constant reminder to me that true love exists. I no longer doubt that.
My advice to everyone dealing with an emotionally abusive partner is to leave. I know it's easier said than done and it took me longer than I would have liked to let go. But I regret not leaving sooner. I regret that I missed out on so much and I spent a lengthy amount of time being miserable and treated poorly. You may feel dependent on your abuser. You may feel like you don't know how to go on without them. You may feel like you can't do any better, but you can. Love isn't supposed to hurt. I don't care what anyone says. Love is laughter and joy and trust and all the good words you can think of. You deserve that.
