As I am writing this article, I am still recovering from an appendectomy I had almost two weeks ago. I’ve since been re-immersed into the strange and wonderful world that is college after missing out for over a week.
While I was gone, I noted a wide variety of articles coming from this very website that all had their own messages to be heard. Which, of course, that is the point and part of the reason why I was so ecstatic to have to awesome opportunity to write for this website. But a certain recurring subject that popped up on my newsfeed made me raise my eyebrow: “hook-up culture”
I can’t help but think something contrary to what has been said about this subject in particular.
It doesn’t matter what kind of “culture” we live in.
“What? Whoa, wait a second. Yes, it does. I’m the kind of person that believes in long relationships before any sort of intimacy.” you might say.
“But wait! I’m the kind of person that believes sex is merely a part of human life, sometimes a necessity (never without explicit consent though- we should all know far better than that), and doesn’t always need an emotional attachment.” another adds.
“But wait another second! I’m the kind of person that believes in long term relationships and also want intimacy right off the bat!” a third chimes in.
“We’re stuck in “hook-up culture”! Nobody wants what we want!” some might proclaim.
You guys! I have something to tell you! Something very, very important! I’ll repeat myself: it does not matter what kind of “culture” we live in.
There’s someone out there for you that wants what you want too. The same kind of person that finds themselves stumped at every mixer and party and get-together of every sort and wonders why they can’t find someone for them. And, just the same as you, they might blame the habits of other people.
The “hook-up culture” you all speak of with so much vigor has always existed. Just like the “long-term relationship culture” has. There has also always been a blend of the two. You might think that “hook-up culture” is the most apparent one (it very well could be) and that might be for a number of reasons; college can be full of it, people are more open about it now that sex is gradually being more openly discussed, etc. But these other “cultures”, the ones that you find more appealing and comfortable, still exist.
It does not matter what kind of “culture” we live in because there is no discernable “culture” that we are living in, as far as relationships go.
Otherwise, I would definitely not blame you for saying such a thing. I don’t mean to say that you shouldn’t express when you’re uncomfortable either because that is incredibly important in itself. I just mean that you shouldn’t look down on certain types of relationships to show that discomfort. Yes, society is against us when it comes to how everyone handles their personal boundaries and sexuality (and I mean that seriously) but it’s up to us to show society who’s boss in the end. Stare down the stigmas, change the game, become your own person with your own preferences.
Even if that involves letting other people do as they please without saying your struggles have worsened because of it.
And I’m not saying that “hook-up culture” is the only one to face any sort of shame. We scoff at peers who want a long term relationship, who only want marriage out of dating, who wait until the third date to have sex or anything in between. There is nothing wrong with wanting an emotional attachment from somebody. It does not make you “weak”. It does not make you naïve. It does not make you “unrealistic”. It does not make you anything other than somebody who wants a relationship. And there is nothing wrong with that.
There is also nothing wrong with being very open about sex and seeking out others who want the same. Or anything in between (as long as you’re safe- never forget to be safe if you decide to have sex with somebody).
So, just remember that there isn’t any sort of “culture” holding you back from anything. Yes, a lot of people want a lot of different things but that’s the beauty of it. We’ll all find someone if that’s want we want. Just be very upfront with the people you meet and potentially want any sort of relationship with. If they don’t want the same thing, cool, set them on their way so they can find somebody and you can too.
You don’t owe anybody the compromise of your own personal boundaries, just for the sake of having someone to be with you- even if it’s just for a night.
