Trigger warning: This article contains content that may be triggering to those with depression or suicidal thoughts. If you or somebody you know is experiencing suicidal thoughts, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255
Weeks ago, I hugged the neck of a mother who lost her eighteen year old son to the merciless hands of suicide. A childhood friend of mine fell into the black hole of suicidal ideation and didn't make it back on solid ground. He now lays six feet beneath solid ground while family and friends question why and how.
Years ago, after finally recovering from my battle with depression, I made it a personal goal of mine to become a resource for others going through it. It fulfilled me immensely, until I got the news that a friend I once encouraged along the way locked her bedroom door, wrote a note, and shot herself. The black hole reigned victorious once again.
I found myself in that black hole. Depression is a slippery slope and sometimes after trying so hard for so long to be okay, the angel of death seems inviting. The angel of death tells you that you won't get better. That your family and friends don't really need you here. That you're weak. That you aren't cut out for this life.
Suicide is preventable. Before you let that sentence fill your heart with unrelenting guilt, it's best to understand suicide itself. It's different for everyone. Being one of the leading causes of death in the US, it wouldn't make sense for every case to be identical. My writing is limited to my own experience and the experiences of those close to me. Something that may appear shocking is that I was receiving treatment for my mental health at the time I attempted suicide, as were the two friends I mentioned. This is in no way bashing mental health professionals. They can't help if we aren't honest. I just want to bring into the light the hidden battle that goes on inside the minds of those who are suicidal.
To simplify a complex subject, suicide is a battle between life and death. You're walking a slim tightrope with the release of suffering on one side and people that care about you on the other side.
It may feel like you weren't enough for that person to keep them here on earth. You should know that depression and suicidal thoughts cloud judgment. In a sound and healthy mind, you are enough. You are more than enough.
It may feel like you could have done more. I certainly felt that. Maybe you could have. Maybe not. My healthcare professional once told me that the time window of wanting to commit suicide and then actually committing suicide is very small. That's why suicidal ideation is taken so seriously. Once someone makes the mental decision, the physical action typically follows very quickly after. You could pour out your heart and soul and energy and it not be enough. The angel of death was simply more sly.
If you've ever lost someone to suicide, my heart and prayers go out to you.
I have included a resource for a list of suicide warning signs here. If you feel someone is in immediate danger, call 911.
