Exactly one month from today, I will be done with finals and will be able to spend my summer relaxing.

I can say from experience that each year I live becomes shorter and shorter. Maybe it’s because as we grow older, every year becomes a smaller fraction of our lives. This year was 1/18 of my life. Of course, it was short. But every year this fraction will be getting smaller and small.

It’s weird, isn’t it?

When you were in middle school, the years seemed like a lifetime. It was like they were never going to end. But this year went by too quickly.

I feel like I just moved in and met my roommates yesterday. It feels like I just started taking my classes. Everything was new. It was a clean slate. It was about learning new people, finding your own niche, being able to connect with others, etc…

Now it seems like we actually have to get our lives together. We have to find something that we want to pursue as a career. We have to find the major that we are really interested in.

We didn’t have the pressure of finding a career path when we were younger when the years moved slower. Finding a career seemed so far away. Everything seemed so far.

My father turning 60 even seemed far away. The past was for the naive and gullible me. It was the time when making mistakes was seen as a good thing. It was a way to learn lessons. Now it is seen as something more serious.

Making a mistake is seen as something you cannot return from. You cannot come back from a mistake; it is as though you are forbidden to make a mistake.

Sometimes I feel like I have not been living to the fullest. What is that saying? Live like a teenager? Even though I am a teenager, I only have one more year until I am 20.

Are you allowed to abide by that saying when you’re a month into your 20’s? Or is it something that you can only follow when you are a teenager? It is seen as childish when you are in your 30’s, having the time of your life.

“Get a real job,” they tell you.

“Get married,” they say.

“Stop being lazy and find yourself a career so that you can provide for yourself."

I have always been in awe of those who truly love what they do but also get enough money to provide for their family. It is something that is truly rare. Almost impossible.

I always hoped that I would be able to find something that fulfills my interests but also allows me to pay for my house, food, and other necessities. Maybe even some other luxuries.

This reflection is coming from my 18 year old self that still has no idea what she wants to do when she grows up. Even though these years seem to be getting shorter and shorter, I hope that I find it soon.