Lost.

Confused.

Hurt.

Anger.

These words are all too relatable for me. I had danced with these feelings for far too long. These words took over me, made me into a person that I did not recognize. These words were what controlled my actions, my words, my thoughts, my attitude, well pretty much everything in my life. You're probably wondering how I ended up in this waltz with what is the very opposite of a Christian. It's quite simple actually... it was the people of the church... self-proclaimed Christians... people I thought would be on my side. My passion for Christ was all I had ever known. I grew up in the church, was told everything about Jesus and his followers from the womb basically. I went to church events like camp, gospel meetings, VBS; the list goes on. I can't remember a time when I wasn't doing something that involved being at the church.

Stab number one on my faith

When I first encountered a glitch in my faith was when I experienced my church split around age 14. That was heartbreak like I had never experienced. I was young and on fire for God as a new Christian. I had no idea what happened or why. I just knew my dad was fired and we moved on to start a new church. It was hard, but I was told "Have faith, it will all work out in God's favor." So I did. We started in a community center. It was small at first, then we quickly outgrew the community center and rounded up enough funds to purchase a building that used to be a doctor's office not too far from that location. I remember people constantly stating "A building that was for saving lives now is made for saving souls." That helped nurture my faith and gave me hope that God was working on our side. It was great for a while, and something changed.

Stab number two on my faith

A church once filled with love, charity, and compassion was now filled with lies, gossip, and betrayal. It ruined the very foundation that it was created on in the first place. I was within what was spread around and so was my family. I walked into rooms that always fell silent the second I was noticed. People would stare with such spite that I felt the back of my head burn. I had done nothing wrong... why wouldn't anyone speak to me? I was told one night I was not allowed to come for a Wednesday night service because they were to discuss my family's "situation," the "situation" being my parents' divorce. As if what had already happened didn't hurt me enough, this was the last strike for me. I was DONE with that church and church in general for good.

Stab number three on my faith

I hated the church and what it stood for and being a Christian. I never wanted to step foot in church again. I was done with the church, God, and the Bible. I was so hurt that no one checked on me or comforted me during the difficult times except for my immediate family, one of my mom's friends, and my fiancé's family.

Divorce.

Separation.

Death.

Within two years so many things happened that I faced alone because I couldn't stand the idea of talking with someone about my anger, hatred, and absence of belief and faith. I had my heart broken and back-stabbed for the final time. I was determined to fix things my way alone. If no one knew then no one could be there for me to fix what was so, so broken. I was this way for far too long. I lost myself, what I stood for, and what I once loved so dearly. Then something happened that changed all of that.

Redemption

I was cleaning my trunk out and my Bible fell out open on the concrete. I looked down and just laughed thinking "Okay God you're funny... nice try. It's not happening." But when I look down again the pages started turning with the wind and stopped suddenly. I got an anxious feeling as a voice kept telling me to pick it up and read. It was open to Psalm 42:4-6,

"My heart is breaking as I remember how it used to be. I walked among the crowds of worshipers, leading a great procession to the house of God, singing for joy and giving thanks amid the sound of a great celebration!

Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again— my Savior and my God!

Now I am deeply discouraged, but I will remember you—"

I began to cry. I couldn't stop. I felt so sorry for what I had done and how I had been living. In that moment I realized how selfish I was and so filled with hatred. I had let so many people ruin my faith when in reality, it was all me. I used people as an excuse. I blamed others when I ultimately am responsible for how I chose to live daily. I now was asking "Why Erin?" instead of "Why God?" I had never been moved by the Holy Spirit with such great strength, never prayed so fervently. I knew that day I was going to allow God back into my heart again.

God never left my side. Not once. I betrayed Him, questioned Him, and even took His name in vain, YETHe never never stopped loving me. Just like He never stops loving you. Those who are lost are never too far gone to still accept God into their lives. He is always here with open arms and a forgiving heart. You only need ask. When you lose all hope and faith and you are at your absolute lowest, remember His love is greater than all your disappointments, mistakes, and sins. If even He sought after me in my lowest, I know he will do the same for you.

" And I give thanks to him who enabled me -- Christ Jesus our Lord -- that he did reckon me steadfast, having put me to the ministry, who before was speaking evil, and persecuting, and insulting, but I found kindness, because, being ignorant, I did it in unbelief, and exceedingly abound did the grace of our Lord, with faith and love that is in Christ Jesus: steadfast is the word, and of all acceptation worthy, that Christ Jesus came to the world to save sinners -- first of whom I am"

1 Timothy 1:12-15

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