Since my arrival at the US Naval Academy on I-Day, July 1, 2014, I have been told "Don't count the days, make the days count." That, however, was quickly contradicted when, as a plebe, I was told I needed to know how many days there were until 2/C Parents Weekend, Thanksgiving, Army-Navy, Christmas, Spring Break, 2/C Ring Dance, and Graduation. It was paradoxical. I needed to know exactly how many days I had until Thanksgiving, but, at the same time, I wasn't supposed to be counting the days. Somehow, in the midst of all of the things I had to do, I had to find excitement and joy in all the days until that event would arrive.

I'll be honest, plebe year, I couldn't stand this place. When picking colleges, I picked the one I knew would develop me the most, not necessarily the one I felt would be the best match for my personality. It seemed like a good idea, but as soon as I got here, the cynicism began to build. I felt like it was robbing me of my youth, that I was missing out on my time to be exploratory and creative. I resented this place, and I resented myself for deciding it was a good idea.

For two years, I'd neglected pieces of myself that now ached for attention in favor of things I felt needed (or, rather, commanded) more of my time. My STEM classes were taking every once of energy I had, and, no matter how much effort I put into them, it never was enough to produce grades I'd once obtained with ease. I devoted my time to a sport that I'd fallen out of love with because it was something I'd always done. Someone close to me passed away and, as I pushed the grief further and further down in an attempt to stay afloat, the loss nearly consumed me. I got into a skiing accident that forced me to stop exercising for months, resulting in a physique in the mirror that I didn't quite recognize. I wasn't embracing the suck...the suck was embracing me.

It took me until this year, now my 2/C year, to really figure out the second part of that statement that's been pounded into our heads since I-Day. Make the days count. What does that even mean? How am I supposed to make the days count when I have fifty million mandatory events to go to, on top of all the work I have to do for classes that legit have nothing to do with my major? It seems impossible when you first get here...I know it did to me.

The Academy's mission is to develop Midshipman morally, mentally, and physically. The rest of it is in your hands. A big part of learning how to not only survive, but thrive in this place is learning how to feed your soul. On August 20th, 2016, I signed a document that committed me to 7 more years with the Navy, and, as I made one commitment, I made another: to finally start indulging in some soul food.

In my first two years here, I lost myself. Now, the big task was to find myself again. I started by reacquainting myself with one of my favorite things--vocal performance. I auditioned for and made our jazz band, Trident Brass, and it has become the highlight of my week. Not participating in a varsity sport gave me the time to develop my friendships within my company and my class. My injury had healed enough that I was able to start training again, but this time, I got to do it on my own terms. My mom helped me to put together a plan that would work best for me, and I've since lost all the weight I gained from my accident. I began taking more courses that related to my major, and both my QPR and overall happiness soared. I even started swing dancing again--something I'd been missing terribly since I got hurt. Slowly but surely, this place went from a place of uncertainty and resentment to a home: my home.

How do we make the days count? How can we turn this place into a great place to be and be from? For me, it took a bit of introspection and a lot of grace. I first had to figure out what was missing in my life so that I could then find things to fill the empty spaces. The grace came (and is still coming) in as I began to fill those spaces. My favorite poet, Sarah Kay, has a poem called "The Paradox" that has become my mantra. The lines I identify with most are as follows:

I spend most of my time wondering/if I should be somewhere else.

So I have learned to shape the words thank you/with my first breath each morning, my last breath every night.

When the last breath comes, at least I will know I was thankful/for all the places I was so sure I was not supposed to be.

All those places I made it to,/all the loves I held, all the words I wrote.

And even if it is just for one moment,/I will be exactly where I am supposed to be.

These days, I start and end my days (good or bad) with a thank you. Regardless of how I got here, or how how my time started, I'm know that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be.

"The views expressed, [in this article] reflect personal opinions of the authors and do not reflect the official policy or position of the United States Naval Academy, the United States navy, any federal agency, the Department of Defense, or the U.S. Government.”