February 8th through the 22nd has probably been one of the longest two weeks of my life. Now granted, in future blog posts, we can talk about what some of the other "longest days of my life" consisted of, but these two weeks were so tough in a way I hadn't had to experience before.

Growing up in foster care, you really get to know all sorts of different emotions - mostly the really heavy heart wrenching emotions that most people often don't have to encounter until later years of life. So for me to be 21, and experience a "new" tough experience has been a lot to take in and comprehend. These two weeks have been so tough because all of the walls/guards that I have slowly been acknowledging even exist were all put to test at once.

To back track just a bit, shortly before Christmas (2018), my biological mother's mom (Gigi) was diagnosed with cancer. She had some fluid build-up in her lungs and upon investigating that, we also found out she had lung cancer. Jumping through a few things... they did some scans and she not only had it in both lungs, but on her liver, and even in her bones. We didn't think Gigi would go through with chemo but she surprised us all and decided to power through it and fight. We all knew that she was ready to see my grandpa again, but I know I can speak for everyone when I say that we are so grateful that she chose to fight for us! By golly, if there was one thing we knew Gigi hated, it was being in the hospital. We know how big of a pain it was for her to agree to spend time being in that very place, doing chemo and immunotherapy, but she made that decision with the thought of all of us in mind.

February 5th came around and we were all cheering Gigi on through her first round of chemo!! She had an awesome support system, but I wish I would've been in town to be there for her as well. I wasn't able to get off work due to getting the following Thursday off for an orthodontist appointment. Weather was supposed to get bad Wednesday late evening and stay consistent through Thursday, so I made the trek to Wichita after I got off work. I'm really glad I did that. Not only did I get to spend some quality time with my sister, and not have to worry about rescheduling my ortho appointment, but I got to spend some much needed time with my grandma.

I went over in the morning before my appointment to visit with her. I was able to find a photo album to go through with her. There isn't much that I remember about my childhood before foster care - another topic for later on, but I have always wanted to sit down and go through some pictures with my grandma, because you always get the best stories from grandma! But as she was resting in her chair, with her special pillow and blanket, I was able to snuggle up next to her and hear her laugh from talking about wedding plans in June. I will forever hold that memory in a special place in my heart. She was exhausted, and decided to go to bed, so I cherished a little more time cuddling with Tiny (her best bud/dog), and then went to my appointment. After that, I drove home since the weather wasn't too bad and I had to work the following day.

After work on Friday, I got a phone call as I was about to get out of my car at home. It was my aunt, trying to explain through tears that Gigi had fallen and probably wasn't going to wake up. Needless to say, my fiancé and I loaded up the dog into the car, packed an emergency bag, and made the 3 hour drive to Wichita in hopes that my sister was okay with me bringing my dog - I couldn't just leave him home alone for the weekend.

I got to the hospice center around 11:30pm, and my grandma took her last breath shortly before 4am. I had stepped out of the room for a cup of coffee shortly after I had a chance to sit with her alone and my younger sister came running into the kitchen. By golly, I am SO glad I didn't reschedule my appointment the day before. I am SO grateful for the time I got to spend with Gigi.

You see, this part of the week was only the beginning of the tough stuff.

I know that this time is hard for everyone who knew Gigi, especially those who got to see her every day and/or week and have a much stronger relationship with her than I do. I was late to the game with that, and I feel so guilty for it. I feel as though both her and I were robbed of time together, and I take responsibility of that. I know I probably shouldn't, because it wasn't my fault that I had to grow up the way I did, without specific people in my life, but I also cut a lot of people out of my life while trying to mend my own heart.

Granted, I was working through those boundaries and walls that I had put up, and because of that, I was able to form a relationship with her when I would come down to Wichita for my orthodontist appointments. I would always stop by my sister's house to see my to favorite little humans (my sweet nephews), and my sister often had my grandma over. So while I spent some quality time getting my baby fix in, I was also getting in my "Gigi" fix. So this week I have been learning to be okay and appreciate the little bit of time I did get with her, because it was really good to get that time; some people didn't take any time to spend with her, and I know they will regret that decision. If you ARE one of those people, you can rest assured, I'm sure Gigi still loved you as if you did spend that time with her.

I have also been coming to terms with the fact that I am getting married in June, and I won't have Gigi there with me to celebrate. I know she's going to be dancing up in heaven with my grandpa, AND I will have two grandmas there who love me just as much as she did, but its still not easy.

With that being said, I have been spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to deal with the walls that were tore down unexpectedly with being plunged into the deep-end with seeing family members, hearing memories, and feeling emotions that I have surpressed for so long. Needless to say, I have been an emotional wreck; but I know Gigi is looking out for me.

@ Aunt T

With this being my first blog post, I figured we could dive into the mess of working through those walls soon, so be looking out!

Sincerely,

Kayla