Today my friend and I were cleaning my kitchen and on the refrigerator was a picture of my grandmother. Next, to it was the card they handed out at her funeral. She passed away on December 8th of 2008. As we were cleaning my friend looked at the card and said something along the lines of "that Christmas must have been rough". My reply was "well yeah the first couple of holidays are always rough when you lose someone you love". Now that I've had a whole day to think about things though, I wish I would have given a better response, something deeper. I know that my friend is going to read this article, so here is what is was like then and now eight years later.
When my grandmother passed away I was 10 years old. I had no concept of what death was or rather I had lost loved one before but was too young to feel anything. This time at first seemed no different. Up until the funeral, I went on with my daily life as if nothing happened. I felt nothing. I thought that this is all it felt like, I was confused as to why I was not sad. I loved my grandmother, why couldn't I cry? A few short days later when the funeral and viewing was held I finally felt sadness. All the feelings I had been holding in or couldn't feel were finally there, I finally understood the sadness of death.
While going through all of the feelings of guilt, sadness, etc I spent time in her room writing poems or music and reading or singing it to her as if she were still there. This process brought me much comfort and somehow I knew she was listening. This is when the concept of angles was exemplified. I knew from that point on that she would always be there for me even if she was no longer alive.
Shortly after my friend asked me about that first Christmas I found a picture of my grandmother and my grandfather. At the time I didn't think much of it, just that it was a nice find. I still didn't think anything of it when I heard sounds coming from her old room when no one was down there. It wasn't until my mom came home and showed my a feather she had found outside. She said, "memaw (my grandmother) must be watching over me ". I burst into tears and explained what had happened throughout the day and showed her the picture I found.
Today caused me to think about how everything feels eight years later. It doesn't feel much different. I still miss her as much as I did when she passed. I still long for her to walk up those stairs to get a cup of coffee. I still long to sit and watch TV with her. I still long to hear her say "I love you" one more time.
Even now I hope that I am making her proud.
