I always knew that goodbye was going to happen. Every time I leave home to go back to college, I always say "don't die on me," and she never does. Except this time, it actually happened. The day that I've been dreading for the past 14 years happened.
It's not like it happened out of nowhere. I knew she had a tumor, and I knew soon we would have to put her down. So I made sure to say my goodbyes when I last saw her. Of course in the back of my mind I had hope that I would see her one more time, even though I knew it was unlikely.
It's something that you think you will be prepared for. When I heard she had a tumor, of course I cried. I cried for days. But then I remembered, I'll see her soon. When that did happen, she wasn't the same dog I always remembered her to be. She never wanted to get up and play, she couldn't keep her food down, she would get tired after five minutes on her walks, she wouldn't let me lay on the ground and cuddle with her; she was different. That’s when I accepted that this was going to be the last few weeks I would ever spend with her. I tried so hard to make everything perfect. I would give her my beef jerky when she begged for it even though she would just throw it up within five minutes. I tried to go on walks with her but they only lasted down the block and back. She was my very best friend.
My dad doesn’t call me on his phone very often (it's usually my mom calling for the both of them), so when I saw him calling me I knew something was wrong. He asked me, “Whatcha doin?” I said, “At the pool, is Firecracker dead?” and he said the words that I never wanted to hear, “No, but it is time.” And I remember sitting there thinking about the fact that I wasn’t there. I honestly can’t really remember the rest of the conversation except that I told him I wanted to be on FaceTime when it happened.
Two days later, I was sitting on FaceTime with my parents looking at my precious puppy who had no idea she was about to leave this planet. I’m sure she knew something was wrong seeing, as how my mom was sobbing, my dad was crying, and I was speaking through some weird machine. When the vet came in, I was surprised at how calm Firecracker was. My dad pet her while my mom held the phone, and within a matter of three minutes, my best friend in the entire world was gone.
She was there with me when I used to sit in my room until 5 in the morning writing songs. She was there when I used her to "go on a walk" just so that I could pass by that cute guy's house who lives two streets over. She was there with me when I would cry. She was there with me cuddled up at the edge of my bed every morning when I got up to go to school (fifth grade to college). She was there when I had all those house parties whenever my parents were out of town. She was there when I would come home from high school to an empty house and she was sitting right there on the chair, next to the door, waiting for me. She’s been there with me for everything and so much more.
I feel like I sound so stupid for saying I haven’t stopped crying because of a pet. I knew that it would be hard to say goodbye, but I never thought it was going to be this hard. I had imagined this day a few times. How would I react? Where would I be? How old would she be? And as much as I was ready for her to go, and even though I made sure to say goodbye, this is the most pain I have ever gone through in my life. It physically hurts. I have never cried this much ever before. It’s terrible, and honestly, I don’t know how it’s going to be the same whenever I go home next.
But I do know that we made the right decision and that she’s in a better place now. If her tumor had burst, she would’ve been in a lot more pain then she was. We could actually see it bulging from beneath her skin, so I’m happy that she’s finally happy. She doesn’t have to take multiple medications a day now. She’s free, and as much as it pains me to see my best friend in the entire world leave, I know I’ll see her again soon.
I love you.
