Your twenties are some of the most pivotal years of your life. You finish college (hopefully for the sake of your bank account in four years), you land your dream job (hopefully), you meet wonderful people, but you also mature as an individual. This time of my life has me reflecting deeply on my childhood. I even find myself watching old VHS tapes of Christmas or birthday parties in the hope of sparking my memory of those carefree playful years of my life. But every single home video that I watch has someone very close to me missing: my grandfather.
You don't expect the death of someone you have never met to affect you as much as the loss of my grandfather has. I constantly wonder what life would be like if he was here. Would I call him Grandpa? Pop Pop? Papa? Gramps? What would we have done together? Would he have rather played card games or board games? Although I can’t answer these questions with concrete answers and memories, I do have the opportunity to picture what our life would have been like together.
Losing someone before you had the chance to even meet them is just as hard as losing someone that you have spent years making memories together. I have experienced all sorts of emotions when thinking about our time spent apart. Anger. Fear. Sadness. Jealousy. Heartbreak. Happiness. Strength. Anger at knowing I was cheated out of the opportunity of making memories with you. Fear that I am not living up to your standards. Sadness at knowing my mom did not have enough time with you. Jealousy of other kids who have two grandmas and two grandpas. Heartbreak for not having the opportunity to ever hear your voice. Happiness at knowing you are in a better place. Strength at watching my grandmother learn to love again and watching my mom’s everyday moves. I know you would be very proud of my mother.
It’s never easy losing someone, regardless if you had five years with them or zero. Unfortunately, we are unable to go back and change the past events which have led us to this brokenness. Rather, we have to keep these loved ones in our memory. I may not have had the opportunity to hear your voice or speak to you in person, but that does not mean I don't think about you every day. I look forward to meeting you some day, Grandpa. Until then, continue to watch over our family.
