Losing a love one will always be hard. But, losing a loved one when you are at a distance from them is a whole other feeling of its own.
Leaving home when my family needed me the most is something I will never quite fully get over. I will always feel as if a part of me let them down. I wasn't there to help with the pain. I wasn't there to explain to the little ones what losing someone means. I wasn't there to share my stories of distant memories once had with my loved one. I know none of my family holds any resentment towards me but, I do. No matter how many times they told me it was okay. No matter how many times I told myself I needed to go away. A part of me will always wish I hadn't.
When you leave home you have the unrealistic idea that life at home comes to a halt. That nothing is changing while you are away and your loved ones are still at home feeling and looking the same. But, then you get a wake up call. Time doesn't stop for anything the carousel keeps on turning.
Coming back home was strange enough. I had to adapt to a new way of living again. A new daily routine and a new way of going about my day. But, I never took into account that I will feel every emotion of losing them that I had yet to feel. When you are away from someone not seeing them is the norm. You miss them but you know that someday you will see them again. I don't know what I was thinking because, I expected to come home and be greeted by the one my family had lost. I expected to see them smiling at family functions enjoying the watermelon they loved so much. But, I didn't. They never showed up. The were never there to greet me. Not there anymore to give me advice. Not there to tell me how well I was doing. Not there to make fun and poke at my love life. Which we both always agreed was a bit of a disaster.
The hardest part about going through losing someone from a distance was almost everyone else had already made peace. A peace I am trying but have yet to have felt. If I had the chance to talk to them again I would tell them that I would give everything to be able to have been there.
