It was a Friday night, I walked into the old house that I spent so many of my summers, Spring Breaks, Christmases, and Easter holidays in. The house that I am absolutely in love with, the house that I have hundreds of happy memories in was entirely different that night. I immediately noticed the large space in the corner where a large recliner used to reside. I noticed the TV was turned on, but the commercials weren't muted. I noticed the radio was no longer playing in the background from the other side of the room. The absences were apparent to anyone who had ever been inside the house. Later in the evening, the whole family gathered around the dining room table to play card games. While we laughed and enjoyed the company of family, many of whom I haven't seen in 10 years, the pain of what brought us all together was floating around us.

On Saturday, February 4, 2017, I buried my grandfather. I will never forget the sound of my grandmother crying throughout the entire ride to the church or the image of my father and his siblings crying over the casket that held their father. I won't forget how my dad got choked up when he tried to talk about the memories he had growing up or how my mother and aunt had to pull my grandmother away from the scene as they lowered my grandfather into the ground. The images and sounds from that day are engrained into my memory.

I've never lost a loved one before. I have never had to face death. I can't even comfort a crying friend, I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't prepared to deal with the condolences, the grief, and the tears. I wasn't prepared to lose someone I had shared memories with. I wasn't prepared for the hole in my family that was created in my grandfather's absence. I remember sitting in the front row of the church while everyone said their goodbyes. I remember holding back my tears because I refused to cry. I didn't know what to say to my grandmother when she hugged me tight and cried saying, "I don't know what I'm going to do." I didn't know what to say when people I have never met before came up to me saying, "I'm so sorry for your loss." I didn't know how to respond when my friends and teachers asked how I was doing.

I missed 8 classes, one test, one project, and several assignments. I missed the fun things that I had planned and I missed sleeping in my own bed. But, I will miss all the things he won't be there for. I will miss seeing my grandfather celebrating for me at my graduation. I will miss seeing his face on my wedding day. I will miss seeing new photos from my grandparents' vacations.

I left my college campus on a Friday morning and returned on a Wednesday night. The night I got back to campus, it stormed. The rain felt fitting considering the storm my family had just gone through and is continuing to go through. I know it's hard and I know there's a hole in our family. But just as I believe that he is with the Lord I know that, in time, the hole will heal. There will be sunny days once again.