I woke up on a Sunday morning to a text from my mom asking how my night had been, with a simple request at the end for me to call her. I thought nothing of this because my mom and I are best friends and talk on the phone almost daily.

I picked up the phone and called her, still slightly dazed from my slumber. We chatted for a few minutes, she asked if my roommate was there, and I assured her that she had gone out for the day. She became quiet on the other side of the line and got that tone of voice when you know someone is about to deliver bad news. Death was not even on my mind; I just figured one of my family members who had been sick was just simply getting worse or hit with a terminal diagnosis. She told me that one of my uncles had unexpectedly died that morning.

I immediately wailed and fell to the ground of my dorm room floor.

I have dealt with a substantial amount of death in my life — my grandparents were all dead before I entered high school, my high school was shaken by a string of student and parent deaths during my four years there, and I have had at least two distant family members or family friends die a year. Death is something I just learned to accept because my family and I lost many people we knew when I was young.

But I had never felt this. I had never felt the sheer aloneness of being told that news without having those I know and love to share that struggle with me. I had my college friends but nobody to sit with me and actually understand my grief with me. While your friends may have also lost people and can sympathize with your grief, they can't understand your feelings about that particular person.

Unlike at home, there is no familiar support system to flee to. There is no private space that reminds you of that person that you can retreat to for solace.

Grieving someone and their life just isn't the same over the phone. I couldn't have anticipated the heartbreak that I felt sitting in my room crying, not able to just look at my mom and communicate everything we were feeling.

I wandered Uptown to the church I attend on campus and sat in one of the pews by myself and just cried. I had no idea what else to do, but my uncle had gone to the college I attend, so I felt like I could maybe feel his presence there. If nothing else, I knew I would feel God there.

Losing a family member while away at college is extra hard. It was the first time I had lost someone and was not able to grieve with my family. It's incredibly hard to get the closure you need when you cannot do that. But, it also helps you achieve just one more level of independence.