Coming back from a summer long mission trip, I felt as though I was living in a subnormal universe, like my heart wanted to be constantly overwhelmed with the presence of the Lord. Of course being on such a lost campus, I felt like at moments I was getting sucked into the needs of the world. Especially that awkward time in between RA training and no one being on campus I struggled with understanding my purpose being back in Valdosta. I adore my friends and the people I have done life with, but I'm not the same person I was when I left in May. Would anyone even like me anymore? A lot of the dependency I had on people had completely vanished due to learning to comlpetly rely on my relationship in Christ while in Houston. I prayed daily to see the presence of the Lord in the little things; especially the way I reflected him on everyone I came into contact with. With everything that occurred in Virginia, I felt like what a better time than the presence to really just show the love of Christ.
That is exactly what the Lord did and I saw it in the ways I would have never expected. For example, I am totally behind in applying for Grad school things. I began to get completely overwhelmed. I kept thinking like, "Lord, do not let me fall back into this pattern. Let me find peace and obedience in my weakest points." I found out you can take the grad test daily, so praise the Lord for providing that opportunity to still be successful. Also, I did kind of awful last year grades wise and I had always planned on going to Valdosta for Grad School, but as time as gone on God has really given the peace of accepting that with my grades I do not stand the best chance. Yet, he will guide me to where I need to go, so if Valdosta is where I need to go then I will get in, but if he calls me somewhere else then I have accepted that it is his way of challenging me through my hatred for change. It seems crazy to even think about any of this, but it's amazing how quickly I was able to forget how early I applied for college. I think this time of my life has been the best time and definitely some of my lowest too, but overall I am not ready to see this chapter end. I feel as though grad school is so adultish I do not think my heart is mentally ready for that. Either I want to rush it by or not come at all, because I am so sick of just doing school. This when I realize how easily I forget that every opportunity in life is given to me because the Lord specifically crafted it as a gift to share his life. So graduation and grad school as much I am terrified I know there's a sense of good in all of it.
To no surprise, my friendships were still the same and even though two months had passed since I had seen most of their beautiful faces not much had changed. They still were as amazing as ever and I still couldn't keep a secret. Even though definitely working that last part because confidentiality is now a huge part of my pay grade. I am also now making new relations with my residents and at first I really wanted to be close with all of my cute residents on the first floor, but my mom made a good point that I am their superior they will probably never see me in that way. So I pray that my residents know I love them and I will help them in anyway possible, but I will not force a friendship on them because that's probably really awkward and I am probably old in their eyes. I am just so grateful for the opportunities God has blessed me with in Reade hall I love being with the residents I learned to adore last year and watching them mix with the new ones is sometimes terrifying since they are crazy, but so exciting!
Everytime I think God is not present I am reminded of last year around this time and how much I was so overwhelmed. I was not involved with nearly the amount of stuff I am this year and I felt like I was drowning. Fall 2017 for some reason God gives a sense of so much joy and I could not be more grateful to actually be happy when I talk on the phone with my mom. I am reminded daily to study more and to not ever forget to rely on God he always guides me. I love my life and even in my low points of making possibly bad grades, life getting the best of me, or running on no sleep I hope I still look at the sky and see so much beauty I have blessed with.
