"To look life in the face, always, to look life in the face, and to know it for what it is..."
Virginia Woolf wrote this in her last letter to her husband, Leonard, on the day that she took her own life. It is a sad call to arms, a sad encouragement, to recognize the truth of the life that one lives and to not deny oneself that truth.
It is heavy, it is deep, and it is dark, but it resonates with me poignantly.
To look my life in the face, as a 19-year-old, is very difficult. I shy away from an honest look at my life, at my choices, and at the people who I love and the people who I hate. I avert my gaze from my life as much as possible, I dub myself young, and I dub myself invincible.
Sometimes, though, things happen—terrible things that force you to look your life directly in the face and know it for exactly what it is. It might be that a family member gets sick, someone who you went to high school with dies, you are dumped by your partner of three years, or you lose all of your friends. You lose sight of yourself, your hopes, your dreams, and your priorities.
Then you look your life in the face and you recognize what needs to patched. We are not invincible, although we are indeed young. We cry in the middle of Ikea when we hear sad news, we throw out our favorite top because we feel fat, and we eat for two hours straight while watching Gilmore Girls when we don't get into our dream law school. We say the wrong things, we offend our friends, and we get so frustrated that we blame the world for the holes in our hearts.
To every young woman or man who is of college age, I beseech you to look life in the face, always, and to know it for what it truly is. I will forever have days and nights where I dwell in dreams and fantasy worlds of happiness and peace, but to look your life in the face and know that there are holes that need patching is the first step to being an independent adult.
The next steps are to recognize that you have holes, to let them bleed just a little while, and then learn how to patch each one up. Whether you're 19 or 25 and feeling invincible, you're not. To look life in the face, as Virginia Woolf wrote, is to open yourself up to honesty, truth, and maturity.
I wish that I was better at being honest with myself. So maybe this reflection on honesty and invincibility will help me patch up my holes and grow up. Maybe writing these articles helps me recognize my holes, helps me bleed through my holes, and helps me learn just how patching up works. This writing helps me. It helps me to look at my life and to know that it truly is mine. I'm the only one who can patch it up.
