I love Jane Austen. I am very much a stereotypical English major in that respect. I love Pride and Prejudice the most. There has always been something so appealing about the spitfire of Lizzie Bennet going head to head with Fitzwilliam Darcy. Their chemistry is electric and the hate to love dynamic become one of my favorite romantic stereotypes because of them. I wanted this romance for myself.
Unfortunately, I still crave such a romance, which is why my romantic encounters always turn out not so good. I crave the witty banter between myself and a potential romantic partner but that banter is just a guy being a jerk nine times out of ten. Basically, I'm really good at finding intelligent jerks. A lot of people say to me "well isn't Darcy an intelligent jerk?" No, he isn't. He's a man who is bad at first impressions and is immensely awkward which makes him seem like an ass, which is why Lizzie hates him in the first place. She thinks he's arrogant and unpleasant but finds he is actually a good man.
Now I'm sure you're wondering why I would want a man who is bad at first impressions. It's not that I want a man that sucks at talking to people but I want someone who understands that I am also awkward in new situations. I want someone who is my equal on all levels and that is what Lizzie finds in Darcy. She met her match. I have a lot of quirks and like things to be just so. I need someone who can fully understand those quirks and habits and keep up with me. Perhaps this is arrogant of me to think I need someone to keep up but it's what makes me very Lizzie.
When I've spent 13 years of my life connecting to Lizzie Bennet it only makes sense that I would go looking for a Darcy. The neverending quest for Darcy has led me to a lot of Wickhams and it's frustrating. I'm finally starting to realize that the best way to find Darcy is to not look for him at all. Lizzie wasn't looking for Darcy but she found him through a lot of strange and interconnected circumstances. I think that is what I'm going to have to do. I need to sit back and live my life and then Darcy will come to me, or maybe he won't. Maybe I need to stop projecting the ideal fictional man onto real men. What I'm trying to say is going on a long journey to finding this ideal man has broken my heart way too many times and as much as I love Darcy I need to accept that I probably won't find him. Once I fully come to terms with that I think I will be a lot happier in the long run.
Whoever I do find and fall in love with will just have to accept that I have a long-standing affair with Darcy that won't be broken but my real life love will always come first.
