I do not blame you for being uncomfortable when I talk about this. I know that this is not easy for you to hear. I know you do not want to hear how my arms were held down in the back of my car. I know you do not want to hear how I screamed no for what felt like a million times. I know you do not want to hear how he ripped my clothes with all of his strength. I know that you do not want to hear that I was raped.
I know that hearing those words make you uncomfortable.
But, if you can listen and look at the dozens of celebrities that have come forward sharing their stories of sexual assault over the past few months, why can’t you do the same for me? What you do not know is that when the lint on your clothes and your fraying cuticles suddenly demand your attention the moment I start to tell my story, you might as well be punching me in the face.
Your failure to look me in the eye and listen intently to the words I am saying hurts me more than you could ever possibly understand.
When you look away, you unintentionally put me back into the place of feeling ashamed. You put me back into a place where I still believe that I am at fault for what happened. Those emotions crippled me for weeks on end, to the point where getting out of bed felt like an accomplishment. Those feelings caused my grades to suffer and I risked losing everything for which I had worked so hard my whole life. I have spent countless hours working past those feelings with a therapist, hours that often began and ended in tears.
If I feel comfortable enough with you and love you enough to tell you of the worst trauma I have endured, why is it so hard for you to look me in the eye? Every time I share my story, I open the door for all of those awful emotions to come streaming back in, and when you do not support me as I speak, you might as well be holding the door open for them.
Please, I beg of you, look me in the eye, nod your head, and say “thank you for telling me.” I do not need you to offer advice and do not need you to encourage me to press charges. I just need you to listen. I just need you to look at me.
As I said before, I do not blame you for being uncomfortable. This issue of sexual assault and rape is one of the most difficult to have a conversation about, but it is also one of the most important.
The next time I feel a strong enough bond with you to share my story, forget about your hair, forget about your clothes, and just look me in the eye.
With that one simple action, you cannot imagine the difference you will be making. Aid me in my never-ending recovery by doing something that would otherwise be second nature. Listen and look at me. That is all I ask.
